Confidence Isn’t Found. It’s built through Choosing to Reinvent in Hard Moments- Rachael Lawrence

0:00 I know a lot of people say about fake it until you make it, and I think there's definitely space for that and that has helped and worked for me. But it only gets you to a certain point and then you've got to think, OK, it's not about faking it until you make it anymore. It's about showing up as yourself and believing in yourself and learning how to shut down the in critic and knowing you're good enough to be wherever you are and to say whatever you want to say and to do the work that you want to do.

0:29 You are good enough. We have to unravel all of the conditioning that we've put on ourselves to be able to start to see that for ourselves. Today's conversation is about reinvention, but not the glossy found myself version, but the kind that's forged through lived experience. The kind that comes from navigating moments that change you, like a divorce, becoming a solo parent, giving away a kidney, even questioning your worth, choosing to step forward anyway. My guest, Rachel Lawrence blends deep personal experience with professional insight to help ambitious women, especially those in midlife, stop playing small and start showing up with confidence.

1:15 This episode isn't about becoming someone new. It's about owning who you already are, trusting what you've lived, and learning how to translate that into bold, visible leadership into your work and life.

1:28 Welcome to MIND Blend. I'm your host, Karen Chong. In each episode, I talk with people who've experienced something real and we breakdown what made the difference so you can see yourself and the world around you more clearly, spot what you might have been missing, and move through life with a clearer way forward. If you like what you're hearing, share with those around you and subscribe to Mind Blend. You'll help a lot in spreading the insights for anyone who can use them. Let's blend.

1:58 Hi, Rachel, welcome to MIND BLEND. Thank you, Karen, Thank you so much for having me on her show. I'm really excited to be here. Same here. So I'm sure we're all intrigued. What happened, like what happened to her? So you have been through a lot in your life and there have been many moments that you reinvented yourself. Tell us a lot about them. Oh wow. So yes, like many women, I have been through a lot in my 20s and 30s. And I suppose the story that a lot of people are interested in right now, because I have been talking about it a lot more recently, is the story of in my late 20s, donating my kidney to my then husband when I had a small child.

2:47 She was 2. And it was something that I went into wholeheartedly. I'm a massive advocate for organ donation. But my personal experience, unfortunately, as a result of saying that didn't end particularly well, my relationship broke down and we ended up getting divorced. And that resulted in me going through an episode of deep depression and anxiety and that very much shaped my late 20s and early 30s into the career I then stepped into. So in a way it was, even though it was very painful time, it was a blessing because it helped me get into the world of coaching and helping people with their mental health.

3:31 And so that was kind of like my first stepping stone into the personal development, self help work that became really important as part of my healing when I was in my 20s and 30s. And it that in itself gave me a lot of wisdom and experience. And then naturally as you go through your sort of 30s, you have other things that happened, career pivots and lots of things like that. And then it eventually led to me being post pandemic, where I've had to pivot again in my career to do something different now in midlife.

4:08 And things are a lot more challenging, which I think some of your listeners might be able to relate to. And I had to remember the strategies that got me through and really think about how I could turn myself around, step into confidence, step into visibility and the work that I do today, which is helping women, their visibility, your personal brands. Yeah, and I didn't mention this today. Rachel is an award-winning author, best selling author, and a visibility and brand consultant like you've mentioned.

4:42 So I want to try to go back to when you were in the midst of everything that's happening. I'm sure there were moments that you feel like the world is coming to an end. How did that internal dialogue look like? It was really claustrophobic and. Claustrophobic. Yeah, well. Because to give you a bit of kind of background, so I was a single mum then for 16 years, school fees, paying the bills all by myself, doing all the things. And it was scary. Like if I didn't show up for work, those bills didn't get paid.

5:24 And I had a little girl to show up for and to show her how we, in times of challenge and when things are scary and we don't know the way things are going and we don't know where we get through it. I had a responsibility to show my daughter. And this is what we do. We get up, we show up and we do the things that you have to do to make ourselves feel better. So it was claustrophobic, it was scary sometimes. There were a lot of financial struggles and there was feelings of loneliness. Am I doing this on my own?

6:03 Am I the only person? I think sometimes as a single mum, society can still look down on that. And I wasn't always invited to the dinner parties, the school parents, I didn't have a massive circle of friends and it was lonely. A lot of the times it was really lonely. So you go through a pandemic. I was used to being on my own, feeling lonely. So that actually was a challenge for me. It was fine, but it was when we were coming out of it. My daughter's a lot older. She's then becoming a lot independent.

6:42 And I'm like, OK, now I need to step into my career. What do I want to do? But the challenge I had then was I'd lost all my confidence and I didn't really feel like I had a voice. I felt completely invisible because I didn't have a network and I was like, what do I do? Where do I start? And that was that was the beginning of what's happened recently was I published a book, became award-winning personal branding and visibility consultancy and been featured in media and things like that. And that's only come from really having to go quite deep inside and to find that inner strength, to find the courage and belief actually that in midlife what a lot of things we can share.

7:34 We have a lot of wisdom, we have a lot of experience. And it's that storytelling that starts to get you more visible. Well, so it's quite recent actually, very pivotal moment. At what point did you realize it reinvention wasn't a failure, but more a sort of growing new wings, so to speak? I think I'm still very much learning that now. I don't think the actual moment of realization for that. The more confident I'm getting, the more things I'm achieving. And don't get me wrong, that is only happening because I am choosing to show up every day and I am doing the scary things.

8:17 It's only happening through doing that. That's kind of the realization that I'm having. I'm getting more feedback. I'm getting feedback from readers who have read my book, people who are starting to follow me online and share private messages with me. That's the realization. That's where it's and I'm starting to see that a lot of women do feel the same when they hit midlife. And it kind of creeps up on you as well. You don't know it's happening. It just and overnight and then one day from my personal experience, I just thought, what on earth am I going to do now?

8:53 I've still got a good 20-30 years of career left in me and I really want to do something purposeful that lights me up inside. And yeah, it's the realization has been just through sharing a little bit more about my personal story, my personal journey, which I would have kept very quiet before, I wouldn't have wanted to share that. But I'm learning through the personal grinding work that I do that people want that because they can relate to you more. They see you as being more authentic. And actually, hopefully they see my resilience of everything that I've been through showing through in the work that I do now and the message that I relate to live in.

9:31 Do you remember at what point did you start to start being afraid of sharing your own story? Because that is a big courage moment. Yes. So when I was writing my book, we'd written the sort of manuscript, and my publisher said to me, this is really great, but do you know what's missing? And I was like, no, I don't think I've missed anything. She said your personal stories, because I need to bring this book a life to life, and it's your personal stories that will get readers to resonate with you. And I wasn't comfortable with that initially because I didn't really understand what she was saying.

10:14 And she said, trust me, You're just going to have to trust me. So I did. And I started to weave some of those personal stories into the book. And as I was writing, I realized I had like the epiphany there and then, like, ah, OK, I get it. I can tell people the what and the how. But unless they know the why and the reasons why I'm saying these things through personal experiences, they're not going to relate to it. So that was when I started to incorporate more of my personal stories and sharing a lot of that online because I had to build a following quite quickly and the only way I was going to do that was to be showing up authentically and sharing a little bit more about my personal story.

11:00 Yeah. And in that journey, the going inside, looking back at your experience, but I'm sure building confidence is not overnight. And a lot of us, we may be comparing ourselves with the successful people around us and they're successful, like they're confident because they're successful. But your lived experience, it's sort of what it's sort of the building blocks of you building the confidence, right? Absolutely. You know, I talk about this a lot. Confidence is a habit building exercise. You know, I didn't write my book at my most confident person like I I wrote the book that I needed to get confident.

11:48 And it's stepping stones, it's habit building. It's taking the brave, bold moves one step at a time every single day that builds your confidence. You don't walk into a networking room when you're first starting like I was feeling amazingly confident and knowing and being crystal clear on your message and you're there to help and the transformation you're there to to deliver. You don't know that you have to work your way through and find that out. And it's only by taking those scary first steps that you slowly start to build those habits.

12:20 I mean, even coming here today and being on a podcast a couple of months, three months ago, that would, I would have been up all night worrying about it. I would have made loads of notes. I, I would have prepped to perfection just to make me feel confident. But it, it's not, I mean, I guess a little bit of preparation is important, but it's actually showing up, being real and, and, and taking the first steps and, and saying the things. And yes, you might fluff your words in the initial stages and it might not feel how you wanted it to flow.

12:57 But as time goes on, the more you show up, the brain starts to get back into gear and it starts to reassure you and build that resilience and that confidence muscle and really quiet down your inner critic are able to show up. I've heard in a lot of public speaking training, you just have to tell yourself something. You just got to almost trick yourself into believing you are this, this isn't that. What do you think about that strategy? I'm a massive advocate for positive affirmations. I've used them all of my life and people still think they're a little bit woo woo.

13:38 And that's absolutely fine. There is science behind it. It is proven that repeating things positively to yourself over and over, even if it's silently, has a physiological effect on your body and it makes you stronger. And I actually heard something the other day where someone said the first thoughts you have in the morning, if you force yourself to be positive, you will find that your day, things will naturally be drawn to you. And so I started a bit of an experiment doing that in the last week or so.

14:07 And my goodness, does that work. It really helps just kind of shape your day so you can feel more comfortable in what you're doing. But I've been a user of affirmations since I had my first breakdown and they transformed my life. And even when I've got to do this, get everything, I'll repeat a couple of my favourites over and over and over and they make such a huge difference. And don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people say about fake it until you make it. And I think there's definitely space for that.

14:37 And that has helped and worked for me. But it only gets you to a certain point. And then you've got to think, OK, it's not about faking it until you make it anymore. It's about showing up as yourself and believing in yourself and learning how to shut down the inner critic and knowing you're good enough to be wherever you are and to say whatever you want to say and to do the work that you want to do. You are good enough. We have to unravel all of the conditioning that we've put on ourselves to be able to start to see that for ourselves.

15:10 Yeah, the just what you tell yourself, it might be being accustomed to criticisms from other people growing up, your parents, maybe your spouse, your relatives, your work superior. I think it is difficult if you grew up or if you're in that sort of environment with difficult. Yeah, yeah, it's, it's your conditioning to be your biggest critic, unravel that. And to try and unravel that can be really tricky, but you can do it. And there's so many people out there that are doing it. And going back to your point around, you know, seeing other people showing up and they seem really confident.

15:53 And yes, maybe they are, but they all started somewhere they didn't. They didn't show up initially like that, or if they did, then they had the best growing up and the best conditioning and well done. They can be our biggest mentors and teachers and I great, but for a lot of us that isn't always the case. Did you have any of those devils in your life and how did you deal with them? Mine was strong in my early career and it we just spoke about this on my challenge this morning. I was giving examples of women leaders in my earlier career and how toxic they were and how actually they they damaged me so much that I wasn't able to work in corporate anymore.

16:38 I had to step out and start my own business. I've wisdom and experience and life has taught me that they had their own stuff going on, their own fears, their own conditioning that made them show up in that way. But because they did, they massively affected my career and stopped me from working in corporate. So they're the things that they used to do. Examples of sort of putting me down, embarrassing me in front of my colleagues, making me feel like I didn't know what I was doing and that I absorbed all of that.

17:18 And that inner critic just got louder and louder and louder as I went through my 20s and 30s to the point when I hit my 40s and only very recently I started to challenge that. I'd be like, no, we are not doing this anymore. Step into your confidence availability in your midlife when you want to pivot in your career or do something differently. That the noise can be very loud. And I was, I just said to myself, I am not doing this anymore. I've got so much to offer. I've got things I want to say that might not land with many, but they might land with some.

17:53 And I'm not allowing this voice anymore to take control of what I want to do. And I had to learn how to shut it down and still get me wrong. I haven't, you know, haven't got rid of my imposter syndrome myself that overnight It's. I think it's always with you. Yeah, especially in condition with it. But it's learning how to not let it run the show and not let it control you anymore. Yeah, being anxious before before speaking engagement. Everyone gets that. But just because you're nervous doesn't mean you are an imposter.

18:27 Absolutely. And don't forget that's your fight flight. That's the right the right place, but it's inherently in US and it's natural and it's supposed to be there to keep us safe. So those feelings that you have when you are feeling scared or nerves not showing up, they're supposed to be there, but they're not supposed to stop you from doing what you want to do. And it's about balance. It's recognizing that it's there and just using it as a way of being able to say, right, I can, I know that you're there.

18:59 I know what you're saying, but I know it's not true. And I know I can handle this. And one of the best affirmations, if you are feeling that way is I can handle it. I can handle it, I can handle it. And you just keep saying that and all of a sudden you get on that stage and you can handle it and you do handle it. And when have we not handled anything? That's that, you know, all of the things we've done in our lives and our careers, when have we not handled it? We might have wobbled, we might have not done it to the best of our ability, but we've always handled it.

19:28 So there's the proof. So you need to lean into the proof that you have already handled it. Yeah, I'd love that you pointed out about balance because there is fake it till you make it and most a lot of the time maybe it is more fake than making. So preparation is definitely important. That's how they can learn to. That's how they can develop and grow into the even more successful version of themselves. Yeah, I have to say preparation and organization has definitely helped me as I've gotten older.

20:00 I probably didn't put much value to that when I was younger, but now I I do prepare, but I I'm getting better at not perfecting that preparation. I mean it's good enough. This week is a classic example I've got I'm running my 5 day challenge and normally I would make sure my 5 day slide deck is done. My 5 day workbooks are all done and they're not. I made sure I had my side deck done for today, the workbook for today. This afternoon I will do my my slide deck and my work for tomorrow's challenge.

20:33 But usually I'd have to have it already and I'd tie myself up in knots. But I'm, I want to enjoy this process. I'm not doing this work that I love to tie myself up in knots and feel anxious and it will stop me doing it, not doing that anymore. So I'm having to purposely take a step back. I'm still being organized. I'm still being efficient, but I'm not doing it to perfectionism, where it causes me to procrastinate and causes me to be so anxious that I don't want to show up. On another episode with speaking coach consultant Navan Jaitley, he shared something that's really, really interesting to me.

21:11 It's before you're speaking to a crowd. If you go from I'm trying to impress these people to I'm trying to like provide a service for them by sharing what I have to say, it's switches your mindset a whole lot and it helps a lot with anxiety. Yes, yeah. And also dropping that I want them to like me. Yeah, yeah. That's a big one for a lot of people, and they might not even know that. That's often what it is. But needing to be liked is, is also kind of like a reassurance that if, if people are liking you, then you know what you talk about, you need to understand that you know what you're talking about and you'll help people get their own transformations.

22:00 And that's definitely the way I show up now in, in whatever I've got to do. If I'm on stage or podcasting or doing a challenge or whatever, whatever it is I'm doing, it's what's the transformation that I'm here to help these people have. And that's very much what you're doing today. So I understand that you are advocating for women and helping them stop playing small. Yes. So I want to see how your transformation have progressed from playing small. Like we talked a little bit about you realizing your story is actually powerful to help you build your credibility.

22:40 How did the playing small to like this is time for me to show like? How was that internal state of mind? How did that change? I think when you see your book published and you see it yeah, on in all the in all the bookstores, when you get your physical copy and you think, my goodness, that's a real achievement, you start to believe in yourself again. And I, I wrote that book for me, but I also wrote it for my daughter. She's 19 years old and has already had challenges around confidence, as we all do in our early teens and what have you.

23:19 That's perfectly normal. But I wanted to make sure that my work had some legacy to it. And I was watching her grow up and the challenges that she's experiencing, remembering how that felt. And I realized how important all of our lived experience and our stories are to pass on to the next generations. And I don't see a lot of people doing that at the moment. And that's became really important in my work. How do we shape this generation so they don't spend their 20s and 30s riddled with anxiety and self doubt and lacking in confidence?

24:01 So I wanted my work to be designed around that and, and become more of a legacy piece And stepping into that, yes, it took courage and belief that my stories actually people would be interested in. And everyone, you know, there's a lot of people that go through divorce, everyone goes through bereavement. These are things that we you cannot navigate life without and the, the life's challenges. But I think when you have so many of them hit you at the same time, they can really knock you off your perch.

24:34 And so it's important that when we do experience these things and we and we feel through them and we come out the other side eventually that we do share that wisdom with with people because the people do relate to it. I completely relate with what you said about there are tons millions of people who had a divorce. There are millions of people who need to go through grieving. But it's your own story and each person is different and everyone has something to share from their experience. And it's also the exchange like listening to others, seeing how that can apply to your own situation, and sort of leaning on the network that you're slowly building because you mentioned you didn't have a huge network.

25:23 And, you know, stepping into a network is really scary because of my experience of I call them weak women leaders. And because they led with fear and they, they did damage my, my corporate career, having to then walk into a room like a women's network, which I'm a part of, was I found it really scared. And I, I was literally, I don't know, you know, it's women and it, are they going to be supportive? Are they going to be kind? Because I've had so many experiences where they haven't been. Thankfully, luckily where I live now, I moved to Scotland a year ago and Scotland has embraced me fully and people here are very welcoming, they're very kind, they want to support each other, the women in particular.

26:08 So I've purposely put myself in smaller rooms with these women, so where there's Oval 15 and where you've really got to connect and listen to each other. And I was so scared about doing that. What would they think about me? Will they like me? All the same old conditioning comes out even now and then I forced myself to do it. I've taken like the steps each time to do it. And my goodness have I made some very good friendships and great business opportunities have come from it that I've had to learn not to go in there with them.

26:43 Will they like me or they won't like me? It's a I'm here to add value. It's whether they take or they want to listen to it or not. Yeah, it's 100% like that because they are going through the same thing. Even if you're very successful. This reminds me of a movie I saw. The character doesn't fit into the pretty category and but something happened. She thought she overnight changing this to this really beautiful woman and her confidence changed just because of that. And then there's a scene where she was talking to someone who is really attractive, but she has no confidence.

27:20 So it's really just that internal dialogue and how you view yourself. Yes, Yeah, The movie that you mean. It's a really good movie. Yeah, it is. It's all about the internal dialogue and putting yourself in reams that are going to challenge you and, yes, everyone else, even though they might not show it, because I think we can all be very good at masking and they're all going through the same thing. And if you just scratch the surface and even I will say sometimes if I'm having a bit of a challenging day when my confidence isn't as high, I will say I'm really nervous about being here.

27:56 Yeah. I was walking into this room and it just takes it all away. And you're like, Oh my gosh, yeah, me too. Yeah, so surrounding yourself with like minded people. Yeah, maybe I can't relate to people in their 20s, but certainly when I'm in a room with midlife women, it's like it's refreshing. They get. Oh, yeah, finally. Yeah, OK, we've got someone that's being real.

28:24 Everyone just wants people to be real in midlife because we haven't got time for for the other stuff anymore, you know, we just don't have time and we haven't got the energy for it. So we're spinning far too many plates and trying to do everything. And the more I've lent into my authenticity and being more real and not faking it until I make it, the more I've connected properly with people and they've started to read my book, they've started to work with me, they've started to refer me. And that's been the shift that I've seen that's that's happened.

29:05 Whereas before I was showing up, you know, tight as a Bob in nervous, anxious, make it till I make it. People just wrote connecting and nothing came of it and it was a complete waste of time. Yeah, and entering this stage of life, it's, I know there's like maybe centuries of cultural narrative that this is when you start slowing down, but. When? So it's very much the opposite thing, that's you still have a long way to go. Like people in this age group, we still have a long way to go. Yes, yeah, yeah.

29:43 And I think if you're, if you have children and they flame the nest or in my case I flew the nest, my daughter behind, she was doing her A levels at the time. And I very recently met my husband and we've done long distance for a year, well two years actually. And then it was time for me to invest more into this relationship. And my daughter was 18 and I said to her, you know, you're in the middle of your A levels. I know this is not perfect timing, but mum's got to really kick start her career now and it's mum's time.

30:19 And I really need to do this money joining out and I have to do something. And it's a big step. And I moved from Bournemouth to Scotland, which was major, major. I felt, Oh my God, the mum, the mum guilt for leaving her was horrific. But I knew it was the right step to take because she needed to build her own resilience and her own independence and not rely on me so much and I needed to kick start my career again. But that guilt, you know, it still stays with me now. But I know in my heart it's the right thing to do.

30:51 I'm only a plane ride away. It is the right thing to do. But I'm still spinning so many plates. I am still a mum, I'm also a stepmom, I'm a wife, I'm a businesswoman. I'm trying to do lots of different things at the same time because that's just me and my character and what I do. And I think as women we do spin so many plates and it doesn't slow down in midlife. If anything, it kind of escalates a bit more and then then we have the brain fog, the whole name and all of the things which are only just really starting to be widely spoken about.

31:26 And certainly in the rooms that I'm I'm in, women are talking about it way more. And actually men are understanding now that we're not past our time. We just might need a little bit more time to do a task or whatever. My goodness, will it get done and will it get done to the best ability. You know, we are at our actual peak in midlife. I really believe that the best time to do anything to start over, change careers. You might not feel that you can, but it is the best time. Yeah, because you already have the experience to back it up.

32:03 So it's sort of like informed courage. You're not just bulldozing your way through. You're actually intentionally choosing certain paths because of your experience. You're the people you've met. Yeah. So today Rachel is a wonderful coach. So I'm definitely going to leave her information if anyone's interested or just following her. You have really fun video clips on social media. Yeah. So before we go into the fun part, I want to ask this take away questions for anyone who's not quite there yet.

32:40 So if someone is feeling stuck right now, what's 1 practical shift that you would suggest them take? The practical shift would be take a look at your values, write a list of all the values you can think of and or look it up online as loads of things online about values and narrow down five to seven values that are important to you and look at areas in your life where you're not showing up with those values and work out which areas of those lives are really important to you right now. And just pick one or two and connect the dots.

33:22 Where are you not showing up as your true authentic self? Where are you not showing up with these values? And start there. And maybe either start journaling or start sharing online, whichever you're more comfortable with. Or share with a friend or a community group or a network that you're in. If you're not, start one and find one. Do all the things, but start with your values and connect it with where you're not showing up and where that fear is, because it's all fear at the end of the day. And and try and work out if that fear is true.

33:56 Prove it wrong. Thank you, that's great. I can already think of so many of my friends and family who can use this advice. All right, so let's play rapid fire questions. Quick question, quick answer, no context. Not much context needed in your answer. OK, all right. Confidence is built when you stop. Can I swear? Yeah, fucking about. Yeah, get to the point, right? Yeah. All right. I believe you had that you had to forget in midlife. That I wasn't good enough. Great one one word you used to describe the version of you before your biggest reinvention.

34:38 Scared. Visibility feels scary because. It's confronting. Something women don't need more of to be successful. Something women don't feel more or. To be don't need more of, but you don't need to be need. More fear. We don't need more people telling us we're not good enough. Yeah, last one, one sentence you tell your younger self. Life gets to be magical when you step outside your comfort zone. That's great. Yeah. Stepping out of comfort zone, it takes a lot of courage, but you don't have to just jump off the Cliff.

35:16 Sometimes it's just taking the leap of faith. Like you, you wrote a book and you took the leap of faith of throwing in your personal stories. And it's a gut feeling. It's an intuition that you're ready for more, that you're worthy of more. And if you haven't got anything else, just lean into your gut feeling and and what that's telling you. Yeah, I think that's something because we talked about helping the next generation. It's something that we, I want to equip the upcoming generation to trust more of our intuition.

35:50 Yes, because nowadays you can search anything. It makes people hesitant in thinking or doing something without confirming with all these other sources. And that's where I feel like confidence is being chipped away because the more you search, the more uncertain you are about yourself. I need to be doing what these people are saying. So yeah, intuition, I think that's very important. Because the more, as you say, you look for things, you've got more time for the for the doubt to creep up. But my gut's instinct has never lied to me, ever.

36:25 Always been right. Even when I've tried to prove it wrong, it's always been right. OK, well, thank you very much for being here on mine blend today, Rachel, really, really great to hear about your experience and especially not just oh, I suffer and here I am today. But thank you very much for sharing more of the in depth emotional side of things. I know it may be difficult sometimes. Thank you. Now, it's been wonderful to be able to come on here and talk with you today, Karen. I've really loved it.

36:56 Thank you. Thank you, I enjoyed it very much too. I'll leave your information in the show notes. Please connect with us. Please do.

37:07 Thanks for listening to this episode of Mind One. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to follow and share it with anyone who needs to hear it. And let's keep the conversation going. Connect with me on LinkedIn or leave me a comment. Until next time, stay curious, keep exploring, and let's continue to blend our minds and discover what's possible.