The Bag You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying - Raúl Pereyra

0:00 Me growing up in an alcoholic environment, I am so grateful

0:05 that experience happened for me. Now that's the shift right

0:09 there. Many people say, oh, this

0:12 happened to me. When you say it happens to you,

0:15 you're a victim. You're a passive.

0:16 You're just part of that story. So now I'm able to say it.

0:20 I am so grateful this happened for me because I quit drinking.

0:24 I show up more presently with my my kids.

0:27 I'm very committed to my wife and I know the kind of person, a

0:31 kind of parent, I'm going to be. That's my guest today, Raul

0:38 Pereira, an executive coach whose work is deeply rooted in

0:42 his own journey from growing up in chaos to reframing the

0:46 patterns that wants to find him. Now he hopes others do the same.

0:50 In this conversation we explore the invisible back we all carry

0:54 and how unpacking it is often the first step to becoming who

0:57 you're meant to be. This episode is also the 4th and

1:00 the final one of the miniseries, Rewriting the script of your

1:04 Life. Welcome to Mind Blend, I'm your

1:09 host Karen Chong. In each episode I talk with

1:12 people who've experienced something real and we breakdown

1:15 what made the difference so you can see yourself and the world.

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1:32 Let's blend. Hi, Raul, welcome to Mind Blend.

1:38 Hi, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to contribute my

1:43 insight and just learn more and and have a positive

1:46 conversation. So I'm happy to be here.

1:48 Well, I'm very sad to talk to you as well because Raul and I

1:51 went to the same university. It's not that common nowadays,

1:56 now that I'm living in London to meet a fellow alumni.

2:00 So I'm very excited and I want to ask you to tell us a little

2:06 bit more about yourself and how you got into becoming a

2:10 executive coach. OK, thank you for that great

2:13 introduction. So I'm Raul T Pereira,

2:16 originally from Southern California and background is

2:20 Mexican immigrants, my parents, I'm first generation.

2:23 A lot of the work that I used to do really centered around

2:27 learning and development, human resources, teaching.

2:31 I have a master's degree, so I was able to teach at the

2:33 Community College level. So I found myself always

2:37 gravitating towards standing up and speaking to people or with

2:42 people and having those kinds of dialogues where I'm imparting

2:45 knowledge. That's always been a big

2:47 interest in my life, you see, because one of the things that I

2:52 always struggled with, I, I grew up, I'm an adult child of an

2:56 alcoholic. So I grew up in an alcoholic

2:59 household and you know, my father was a violent alcoholic.

3:05 So it was stressful, it was difficult, it was traumatic

3:10 growing up in that household. So I always, I, I spent as much

3:15 time away from home partying, being outside, hanging out all

3:20 day as a teen. Obviously I was got gone like

3:25 Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday gone, gone, gone again

3:29 party and underage drinking, you know, probably doing some of the

3:32 things that I shouldn't have been doing at such a young age.

3:36 I just remember as a young teen and then as a young adult,

3:40 always this idea. I think the word that comes to

3:43 mind is escaping or, or this idea of let me just go out and

3:49 and and teach. Let me go out and engage with

3:52 others. Let me go out there.

3:53 I was always the person who would try to step up in a

3:57 leadership role and always the person who would try to do

4:00 something. You know, coming from that

4:03 background with an, you know, an alcoholic father, you know, I

4:07 never knew if I was going to get the loving, caring version or if

4:09 I was going to get the violent version.

4:12 In my mind, I'll be honest with you, I always looked at myself

4:15 and like, I'm just going to do something.

4:17 I'm just going to get out. And, and now that I think about

4:20 it, actually the love and the nurturing that I did get at home

4:24 really came from my mom. But, but here's the the crazy

4:29 part. I didn't want to be like her,

4:31 meaning trapped in a, an abusive alcoholic relationship.

4:36 So I actually saw myself as leaving the nest and it's moving

4:42 on. And This is why I ended up

4:44 leaving Southern California to, to the Bay Area at UC Berkeley,

4:47 where we both went to university.

4:50 So, so that's kind of the origin story, so to speak, a little bit

4:54 of who I am and, and some of the deep emotional motivations of,

4:58 of later on as kind of I start discovering my voice as as a

5:01 coach. Mm hmm.

5:04 But coaching hasn't been what you've been doing this whole

5:06 time. I imagine no one no one

5:09 graduates college and start. And like, become a coach, That's

5:12 true, no? No, no.

5:14 Tell us a little. Bit more about the journey that

5:16 led you down this path. OK, so just to pick up along

5:20 this, this this story, as I shared with you in 2019, we

5:27 moved from Southern California to the the San Joaquin Valley in

5:31 California here where this is the city called Fresno, but it's

5:34 right next door to Fresno. It's called Clovis.

5:37 And my wife's family is from this area and everything was

5:41 great, you know, 2019. And we're trying to figure out

5:44 what we do next, you know, and we decided like, OK, well, I'm

5:48 going to stay home with the kids and try to go out and do some

5:51 work, some human resources consulting, remote, which I did.

5:54 It was great. But in 2020 and 2021, I've about

6:00 four years ago now. Yeah.

6:02 We were visiting friends in in the Bay Area and Christmas time

6:07 and I had a severe case of appendicitis.

6:11 I mean, severe, yes. Meaning I was in the hospital

6:15 Christmas Day emergency operation, and I can still

6:20 remember recovering and I was on the 8th floor pretty high and it

6:26 was raining and I was looking down at my kids who were waving

6:30 at me. This is during COVID, so they

6:32 couldn't come inside to visit me.

6:34 And you know, we're saying Merry Christmas.

6:36 And man, it that really broke my heart.

6:39 That really just tore me up. Because you were not there with

6:43 them. I was not, yeah, I was not there

6:45 with him during Christmas Day. And and that moment after

6:51 multiple surgeries, multiple hospital visits, we came back to

6:54 Clovis. You know, I was in and out of

6:56 the hospital at least three or four times.

6:59 And I had a PIC line connected to, to my, you know, to feed me

7:03 for about 3 months at home recovering.

7:07 So I lost a lot of lot of weight.

7:09 I was just really not, I was in a dark place emotionally.

7:13 And I think that would help me was I started learning and

7:18 reading more about psychology and, and because my background

7:21 is really human resources and adult learning.

7:26 And I always had this itch to, to, to improve myself.

7:32 And I always heard a lot of leaders and people talking

7:35 about, hey, you know, Raul, just give me the shortcut, give me

7:39 the checklist. Just throw training at the

7:41 problem, right? And it that never sat really

7:45 well with me. It was always like, no, there's

7:47 like you have to internally have to believe and have to be able

7:52 to change and have to be able to call out, you know, behavior

7:55 that's not right. So I had a lot of thinking

7:59 during my recovery And at that moment I was already I was doing

8:02 consulting. I was doing part part time PUT

8:05 consulting remotely. Human Resources.

8:07 Yeah, human. Yeah, human resource resources

8:10 consult Team I I interact with with good people, but some of

8:14 the owners or some of the executive staff were always the

8:17 same. You're like, well, we'll just

8:18 write my my freaking policy and don't tell me about this

8:21 behavior stuff. What shortcut?

8:23 Were they looking for? But exactly right.

8:26 So the biggest shortcut was this like, hey, Raul, a lot of my

8:29 people are quitting or how do I can I just fire this person?

8:33 They don't do what what they want me to do.

8:35 And I'm just trying to break it down where it's like, well, it

8:39 it's really about how you approach it.

8:41 You know, how you, you know, if if you view this person, your

8:44 worker as just a number or somebody who is coming in and

8:48 just doing work, then you're never going to see them

8:51 holistically. You're never going to see them

8:53 as the person who they truly are and their true potential.

8:57 And when you're not able to see them in that light, then there's

9:00 no way you can interact with them in a very genuine and

9:04 authentic way that that you can actually see and support them in

9:10 their own growth in their own right.

9:12 Because when you do that, when you care about your people,

9:15 guess what, right? You're, they're going to care

9:17 more about your, your, your mission, more about the business

9:21 objectives, you know, like treat people like people.

9:24 So that's, that's really one of those shortcuts were always

9:26 like, can we just train the problem away?

9:28 Can you help me create a case to to fire this person?

9:33 Can can you know, and I'm like, it's, it's not that easy, right?

9:37 And this is how I started forming my ideas now as a coach,

9:40 where it's like I've been hearing this in my professional

9:43 life. I've been hearing that same

9:47 voice or that same theme, you know, quick fixes.

9:49 It's always about the quick fix. And, and that This is why now

9:54 I'm like, OK, I decided to pivot and I decided to, to actually

9:58 quit. I'll be honest with you, I quit

10:00 my consulting because that was no longer calling me and I was

10:05 doing more of the same. So that that was kind of my wake

10:10 up call. You know, I went through this

10:11 illness and I like there's more to life than just pushing paper

10:17 in human resources. And I just didn't want to do it

10:19 anymore. I was like, I've been living in

10:22 fear. I've been living in reactive

10:25 mode. And I just found myself thinking

10:28 like Nope, I'm pretty much done. Culture is one of those things

10:32 that there's no quick fixes or it may go faster if everyone's

10:38 on board. So I know now you're focused on

10:42 helping new leaders. So and by new leaders is someone

10:46 stepping into a bigger role for the first time, whether or not

10:50 they're ready? Because I see this a lot is

10:52 there's always this saying of well, you will never be ready.

10:55 So if you wait until you're ready like that would never

10:59 come. But then when it comes to

11:02 career, I do think there's a level of readiness as well.

11:06 So I'm really interested in hearing like how you tackle

11:10 this, whether it's lack of confidence or lack of experience

11:14 or just personal self doubt. How does that look like when

11:18 you're helping your clients? I love it.

11:20 I love that question because there's a quote, some that

11:23 somebody said for organizations, it's about culture, right?

11:25 And for individuals, it's about character.

11:28 So being able to elevate your character and your standards is

11:32 really the key component to the work that I do.

11:37 So as, as I made this pivot, I started going deeper into

11:42 psychology and the, the, the learning aspect of human

11:48 development and how we change and transform.

11:51 And I was very, I was influenced by Doctor Benjamin Hardy, who's

11:55 an organizational psychologist and he has a framework 3 FS,

11:59 which is frame floor and focus. And I adapted that framework and

12:05 I've added more to it, and I made it more about the

12:07 individual because he's talking about organizational

12:10 development. And for me, I looked at it as

12:15 what I call is understand who you are and you're the way the

12:20 lens in which you are able to frame or reframe your

12:24 experiences. If you've had a bad experience,

12:28 for example, in public speaking or stepping up in a leadership

12:31 role, yeah, that story will live in your mind.

12:35 And because it was a bad experience, it's one of those it

12:40 starts to develop as a protective habit, what I call a

12:44 guardian. So the inner critic or the one

12:48 who whispers in your mind like, hey, you're not ready or you're

12:51 not good enough for this role. They are really just trying to

12:55 protect you because you fell on your butt because you think

12:59 you're not ready because you've had some mixed bad experience in

13:04 the past and they're just protecting you.

13:06 So what I do now is teach people that to acknowledge the inner

13:09 critic, for example, or the imposter syndrome or the

13:12 perfectionism or, or hey, I'm not ready, so I'm not taking

13:16 action. If you're able to start naming

13:19 on those protective patterns and that's happening inside of you,

13:24 then you're going to be more equipped with being able to deal

13:26 with it. So once you understand that

13:28 there's a process that happens in your mind, right?

13:31 A thought occurs first, right? And then it's backed up by a

13:36 belief system and then it's supported by some assumptions

13:40 that may or may not be true. And then it manifests into those

13:44 behaviors. The protective patterns that I

13:46 was talking about South for new leaders, for example, one of the

13:51 biggest issues is am I making the right call or am I making

13:56 the decision or people going to find out that I'm not confident

14:00 that I'm not, I'm not supposed to be here.

14:02 And I think to to to the example you gave is do I need to move

14:08 now or should I be wait until everything's perfect until the

14:12 everything's lined up? Yeah.

14:14 So, so being able to unpack that.

14:16 Mm hmm. In a very methodical way, using

14:21 what we call positive psychology and my own lived experience, I

14:26 think that's been now I'm I'm, I'm actually very happy because

14:30 my lived experience, especially the experience of growing up

14:33 with an alcoholic and then going through this severe illness has

14:37 allowed me to adapt and use some of these positive psychology

14:43 tools and frameworks that I started to develop and actually

14:47 start healing and actually start moving and transforming from the

14:50 inside and be able to show up in a more authentic way.

14:56 So if I can do this for myself, I know I can do this for others.

15:00 And, and I know this, this is true for many, whether you're

15:04 Latino or many other minority or BIPOC leaders who we're kind of

15:11 wrestling with our cultural background.

15:13 You know, we're, we're like, well, shoot, I need to

15:15 represent, right, the, the Asian community, the Asian community

15:19 or the Latino or Latino community.

15:21 Definitely a little bit of. That, yeah, you know, there's

15:23 some of that. So exactly right.

15:24 So it becomes, it gets amplified and you're like, well, why do I

15:28 need to represent, you know, yeah, but, but nonetheless,

15:31 nonetheless, that's that's where the the work that I the true

15:35 passion and the true support and the the true success stories

15:40 that keep me going is when I, when I work with new leaders and

15:44 helping them understand and get over the imposter syndrome, for

15:49 example, or the inner critic and, and and it, it, it takes

15:53 time. It's not, it's not a quick fix,

15:55 but it's, but it's a beautiful journey.

15:59 And I think This is why I I finally found what I meant to do

16:06 as my second chapter in my career.

16:09 Well, that's great. You hear so many stories of kids

16:13 growing out in abusive or, you know, alcoholism family.

16:19 They don't turn out that great themselves.

16:22 So I really like. Congratulations.

16:25 Yeah. Thank you.

16:26 Thank you. Coming out doing the right thing

16:28 for yourself and for the others around you.

16:31 So you mentioned like success cases.

16:33 Can you share any like your favorite case study?

16:37 I have a couple. I think one of them is I'll just

16:40 use his first name, Jonathan, just super awesome, very nice

16:47 man, just very great. He's a PhD and I think working

16:54 with him for several weeks that as we talked, he, he was able

16:58 to, to, to share with me is like Raul, you know, the biggest take

17:03 away with your help has been you helping me through being able to

17:09 reframe my past, reframe my experiences that that has helped

17:16 me, has given me the power to take, to rewrite my stories

17:22 essentially, right? And I think what resonated with

17:24 him was this idea of the inner critic that because I'm helping

17:29 them discover, I can't give him the answers, right?

17:31 There has to be their answers. And he's discovered that that

17:35 it's OK to acknowledge your inner critic and still move in

17:40 spite or because of the inner critic and understand that that

17:44 inner critic is playing any a crucial role in your

17:47 development. And so it was really nice to see

17:50 that from another man. And one of my Korean clients,

17:55 she's female and she's actually the CEO of a nonprofit.

18:01 And she's one of my favorites now because we got to a point

18:06 where, you know, the work is hard.

18:09 So it took it took several weeks to get where we're at, but I

18:13 think in the last two or three weeks we're now speaking the

18:17 same language and we're like, I'm super exactly.

18:21 We're root. I'm rooting for her because her

18:23 confidence level has transformed, right?

18:26 It's it came from, you know what, not as high level

18:30 confidence. But now she's able to say, wow,

18:33 I'm able to reframe or look at my daily wins on a day-to-day

18:38 basis and I'm building momentum and it feels so beautiful and so

18:43 light. Now I'm showing up more

18:47 confident. I'm showing up as a more present

18:52 leader with her executive staff members.

18:55 So just seeing her transform from where she was to where

19:00 she's at now and her telling me how grateful she is.

19:03 And the beautiful part, it's she's one of my favorite because

19:06 she's now her fiance is doing some of these tools and

19:12 practices that we're working together.

19:14 So I see the love and support in her relationship.

19:18 And for me, that's like, wow. Like I can see a permanent shift

19:25 and a new lifestyle in terms of self-care and self growth

19:30 because she has a partner who is supporting her.

19:33 And to me, that was just beautiful.

19:37 So was it like your work help her reframe things, not just in

19:42 work, not just in the work setting, but in general.

19:46 So that kind of bleeds into. Her.

19:49 Exactly. That's exactly it, right?

19:51 You have to be able to transform the inside first.

19:55 You right, the inner transformation has to happen

19:57 first before you're able to express and make change

20:01 externally, right? Because this is where confidence

20:04 comes from. You have to be able to say I am.

20:07 Confident in my own skin and in my ability to lead effectively.

20:11 So therefore I am taking the next step with confidence.

20:14 And then you're going to show up more present in here.

20:18 And that, that is so true. So when we started working

20:22 together, she wanted help with trying to articulate like how

20:25 she's going to scale the next level in the nonprofit and, and

20:30 in, in discovery and talking with her, there was some other

20:32 issues holding her back. And I think once we were able to

20:36 look at the internal issues and deal with those stories that,

20:42 that were holding her back, then she was able to move forward.

20:44 And just really quickly, I think what's important to highlight

20:48 here is that as, as we're working together with, with her

20:52 with or with, with anybody, you know, part of my framework is

20:55 that we get stuck in the past. We get stuck in many stories

21:00 that we tell ourselves and, and if we don't unpack, you know,

21:05 this bag that we're carrying and you start refashion it, then

21:09 you're always going to be how it's going to keep you stuck.

21:13 For example, she and and and my other clients.

21:15 Once you start to understand that that you are in control of

21:20 how you reframe your past or your experiences and how you

21:25 identify. Once you really have that light

21:28 bulb moment of like, wait a second, I am the captain of my

21:31 ship. I am responsible for my results.

21:35 I am responsible for the meaning I'm giving these experiences.

21:40 What what, what happens by default and I'm guilty of it.

21:43 I was guilty of it a lot is that we tend to operate in a very

21:48 default way. One day leads to the next day,

21:53 and what what we end up when we do that, we're laying our past.

21:58 Negative experiences, for example, drive our current.

22:01 And what I'm doing now is we have to flip it around where you

22:05 and the president are giving meaning to the past and not

22:10 allowing that past to drive you, but rather reframing the past,

22:15 giving a new meaning to the past.

22:17 And I'll give a brief example. So for me, now, I can say this

22:21 with conviction and happiness, right?

22:24 Me growing up in an alcoholic environment, I am so grateful

22:29 that experience happened for me. Now that's the shift right

22:34 there. Many people say, oh, this

22:37 happened to me. When you say it happens to you,

22:40 you're a passive, you know, you're, you're a victim, you're

22:43 a passive. You're just part of that story.

22:44 So now I'm able to say it. I am so grateful this happened

22:48 for me because I quit drinking. I, I show up more presently with

22:53 my, my kids. I'm very committed to my wife

22:56 and I know the kind of person and kind of parent I am going to

23:00 be. So I am extracting lessons from

23:03 from that traumatic experience. And it's not easy.

23:07 It's really, it's not easy. It's a it's a daily practice.

23:12 But I can tell you this, if I never made that mental shift,

23:15 just one word, right, it happened for me instead of to

23:18 me, I probably still would have been stuck and angry and, and

23:22 you know, still blaming, you know, the alcoholism.

23:25 And that's not healthy emotionally.

23:28 So I'm, I'm very grateful that I'm, I'm able to reframe that

23:32 experience that's happening for me.

23:34 So when I help others reframe their experiences, you know,

23:38 everybody's unique and everybody will have their own stuckness or

23:42 their own experience or past that is holding them back.

23:47 Yeah. And being able to unpack that

23:49 gives me a lot of joy. So I want to go back to your

23:53 experience a little bit. Sure.

23:55 I wanna hear about the bag that you've carried.

23:59 I love it to carry. You're gonna make me cry.

24:02 No, no, I'm kidding. It's.

24:06 Very only as much as you. No, no, I am totally kidding.

24:09 But but so I want to explain briefly so you know the bag,

24:14 right BAG, it is the beliefs that we hold and the a is the

24:18 assumptions that hold those beliefs to be true.

24:22 And then G is guardians, right? Are the protective patterns like

24:26 the inner critic, perfectionism and what not, right.

24:29 So for me, I, I carried a bag in many different ways.

24:33 I think the most significant bag, the heaviest bag I carried,

24:39 my first bag, so to speak, was as a young adult because the bag

24:46 I was carrying for the longest time was survival mode.

24:51 Because I yeah, exactly. I did grow up in a chaotic home

24:55 and I was missing in action. I was partying Thursday through

24:59 Sunday and I was always looking for opportunities to just be

25:03 with others, build relationships.

25:05 Have I had a lot of friends? Right.

25:08 I thought the more friends I surrounded myself with, the more

25:12 loved or supported I felt, right?

25:15 But looking back, that first bag was really about survival.

25:21 So I had to unpack that, you know, recently, you know, I'm a

25:25 grown man now with two kids and I carried that bag for 40 odd

25:31 years and just being, you know, so you can imagine how stuck I

25:36 was or how my confidence level in on as a parent or even

25:41 somebody who drank heavily and bitched used to binge drink

25:44 alcohol because that was, you know, when you're carrying that

25:49 bag, survival mode, like that's your identity and then that's

25:53 how you operate. So you're you're living in

25:56 survival mode reactive and you're always looking and

26:00 scanning the environment because there's a threat, right.

26:04 So for me, that has been the biggest transformation in my

26:09 life where I was able to unpack and test those beliefs.

26:14 What were the beliefs and assumptions and guardian?

26:18 Sure, one of the beliefs was really about if I allow myself

26:24 to be loved or to or if I if I allow somebody or if I love that

26:28 love doesn't last. Love never lasts.

26:32 So you can imagine what we're going to have a different

26:35 episode about love and then my crazy Rd. there.

26:39 But but none the less, this idea of like love never lasts.

26:44 It was a belief system like, you know, right.

26:48 And then the assumption was if you get close to somebody,

26:52 they're going to hurt you. So, so I assumed right, you

26:56 know, right. And then the Guardian was the

26:58 actual manifestation of that, that, you know, unfortunately,

27:03 I, I viewed women as more of, as objects than partnership, you

27:09 know, and I'm sorry to say that that that was my operation

27:16 during that time. The way I operated, it was like,

27:18 Nope, I'm just going to get whatever I want out of them, but

27:21 no meaningful relationship because I'm not going to let

27:25 them into my heart because I know that it doesn't last.

27:28 And if I do let them in, they're going to tear it up.

27:31 It will hurt you. They're going to hurt me and and

27:34 again, this is I know that I'm not the only one.

27:37 I know that there's countless men and women, right, that we,

27:41 we carry around that kind of bag.

27:43 And, and the way I named that bag was survival mode.

27:47 You know, it's like I acted, I believed, assumed and acted out

27:51 of survival mode because that's what I grew up in.

27:54 So now the beautiful part of where I'm at today in the last

27:59 four to five years is that I transformed that bag, right?

28:02 So, and I was able to name and to say, you know what, as a

28:06 child, as a young adult, that bag served me well.

28:12 It was protecting me, right? I was.

28:14 I learned at an early age as a child how to survive.

28:19 So your transformation happened in 2019.

28:23 Yes, yes. Oh wow, so that turning point

28:27 was a lot more recent than I thought.

28:29 Well, you have to think about it right?

28:31 I nobody will ever admit, right that that we carry these issues

28:36 with us and these baggage, or we carry these assumptions and

28:40 belief systems that are limiting us.

28:42 Yeah, they don't see it. Exactly, we don't see it as a

28:45 bag. And I I just like to, I keep it

28:47 simple and like to again, through the psychology work that

28:50 I've done and through my own experience, I'm able to like,

28:52 wow, this is a bag. And then it's like, OK, you

28:54 know, this is the beliefs, assumptions and guardians that

28:57 that come up. Like, I'm very honest with

29:01 myself, right? I always was on this trajectory

29:04 of engaging with people and trying to be a good person,

29:08 right? I always knew deep down I was a

29:10 good person. I always knew deep down I was

29:13 moving in that direction. So the illness that I went

29:19 through accelerated my transformation, I guess is or,

29:24 or was the catalyst, if you will, because.

29:28 Yeah, now that I think about like I was, I was like, not that

29:33 I was broken all of my life, but I was a regular human just like

29:38 you, right. We're talking to just like you,

29:40 a regular human struggling with my own baggage.

29:46 And in 2020-2021, as I started, you know, once I made that shift

29:53 in my mind that it happened for me growing up as an alcoholic, a

29:58 true, I'm talking about a true transformation happened, you

30:01 know, and some people, you know, it, it's religious, right?

30:05 You know, it's like, you know, born again Christian, for

30:08 example, it's like a true transformation, right?

30:10 So I'm very happy that I, again, I was on this trajectory.

30:14 I know I was, I, I, there was goodness in my heart.

30:16 I know I was moving along. But if I, if I'm honest with

30:20 you, it was just day in, day out, clock in, clock out, marry

30:25 and find a Good Wife, which I did find a great person, good

30:28 kids, and, you know, just lots of default behaviors.

30:34 And now because of this transformation, it's with intent

30:37 and with a very, very, very, very clear purpose.

30:42 And for that I'm grateful. And again, This is why this idea

30:45 of, you know, having gratitude and being grateful for why this

30:48 experience happened for me is so powerful.

30:51 And This is why now that bag has been transformed into a jetpack,

30:57 because those old stories that I used to tell myself are now

31:01 being reshaped and reframed into rocket fuel into, into

31:06 behaviors, into new belief systems and, and new behaviors

31:10 for me to act upon and accelerate and, and become a

31:14 more present father, for example.

31:16 And I think the example I shared is like the very clear example,

31:19 the number one thing that came out of this like Nope, I'm going

31:22 to quit drinking. Gave it all up, no alcohol in my

31:26 life 0. Yeah, it's never easy because

31:30 you've seen former Alcoholics or the relapse.

31:34 It's just they just keep repeating themselves.

31:37 So very, very glad to hear that. Thank you.

31:40 If what we have said resonated with anyone, anyone who's in

31:44 similar situations, because it doesn't even have to be them

31:48 becoming a the president, the CEO, they can just be promoted.

31:52 They have their bag, they believe they're not ready,

31:55 they're not good enough, the assumption and they have their

31:58 protect guardian mechanism. What is the first step that they

32:03 should? Say, OK, great.

32:04 Well, I actually have a gift for the listeners.

32:08 Oh, listen, yeah, it's a free, it's a free gift.

32:11 It's a five day challenge. And I everybody loves

32:14 challenges, right? It's a tiny challenge.

32:16 It's a five day challenge. It's 30 minutes a day and it's

32:20 it's the challenge to see how much you can transform within

32:24 five days. So it's RTP learning.com back

32:29 slash tiny to the word tiny like small TINY.

32:33 So it's RTP learning.com back slash tiny, TINY.

32:39 And there is a, an application simple and if you are ready to

32:45 start or or are ready and wanting to show up more

32:49 confidence in any aspect of your life, especially if you're

32:52 stepping up into a new role. And it again, it could be a

32:55 promotion in at work. It could be the head of a

32:59 department or a group or whatever it is.

33:02 And where there's self doubt and you want to become more

33:05 effective or Start learning and you're up for a, you know, tough

33:10 love and you're up for me challenging you and your belief

33:15 systems. I do have that.

33:17 It's a five day challenge where you can take it and I make it

33:21 free because it gives us an opportunity to go be one-on-one.

33:27 And, and many people, you know, they're people this may resonate

33:34 with a lot, but you may not be ready to do it.

33:37 There's probably going to be that one person out of the

33:40 hundreds and hundreds of listeners that they're going to

33:42 say, Oh my goodness, this is the opportunity that I've been

33:45 waiting for and I'm going to take him upon it.

33:48 And This is why I make it free because I know there's going to

33:51 be one person who this really hits home and they're ready

33:56 because there's there's many of us.

33:57 We're just not ready. But if you are that one person

34:01 and you want to take me up on this tiny challenge, I would

34:05 love to be your coach. It's free opportunity. 5 days.

34:09 Great. Well, thank you for the gifts,

34:11 first of all. And a lot of the time it's you

34:13 really just need that, you know? And now let's play rapid fire.

34:20 Oh, OK, Carrie, I'm ready. OK, what was the best leadership

34:27 advice you've ever received? Done is better than perfect.

34:33 Yes, I've heard that, and I I agree.

34:36 All right. Worse leadership advice.

34:38 Just go ahead and fire them. Yeah, which I have and I oh, and

34:48 I regret doing that. Just very transactional, you

34:51 know, tit for tat. Yeah.

34:55 What was a book that changed how you think about leadership?

34:58 The Gap in the Game by Dan Sullivan and Doctor Benjamin

35:03 Hardy. This is all about internal.

35:05 It's not necessarily a leadership book, but it's really

35:08 about measuring your progress forward versus measuring

35:12 yourself against some sort of ideal into the future.

35:16 And you keep moving the goal posts.

35:18 So just looking at hey, I'm running my own race and this is

35:21 how I'm able to show up more more presently and more

35:25 fulfilled and more happy. Do you have a morning routine?

35:29 Or you just wing it. No, no, I have a morning

35:31 routine. So, so going back to the gap in

35:33 the game, one of the things that my wife and I have been doing

35:36 for the past four years to support the transformation,

35:39 right, is that we record our three wins for the day in the

35:43 evening in a journal. And then we write down the three

35:47 wins or the three games we want to have for the next day.

35:51 So each night we review how well we did those three wins for the

35:55 day. And if we missed any of those,

35:58 it's our job to reframe, to look at an experience we had during

36:03 the day and transform that into a lesson.

36:07 Because that's the power of moving in this transformation

36:10 where you can have a crappy day, but if you're, but if you

36:14 learned something because of that crappy situation, that's

36:17 the game. So we do three games to share.

36:20 We share with each other. She shares her gains and, and

36:23 what not three games in the evening and then three games

36:25 that we want for the next day. And it's just a cycle.

36:28 And what ends up happening is we're just on this winning

36:31 streak. We're just always winning,

36:33 always gaining. And we're just moving, moving,

36:35 moving closer and closer to our purpose.

36:38 Well that's so nice. So your wife is also a part of

36:41 the transformation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we exactly.

36:43 So now it's our family, right. And so that's our routine is, is

36:47 that and I'm up in the morning roughly around 5:00 in the

36:49 morning, journal a little bit, try to do my work in the morning

36:53 and then my kids are up and we got to get breakfast and the day

36:57 starts up. And then most of the morning is

37:00 for this kind of work as I'm making kitchen with you or with

37:04 my clients, and then the afternoons and the evenings is

37:07 for my family. Nice.

37:10 It's very not chaotic, Yeah. Yeah.

37:14 Which is good. Yes.

37:16 What do you think is the hardest part of your job?

37:18 The hardest part of my job The hardest part of my job?

37:23 Two parts 1 in my mind, I live in two worlds. 1 is RTP

37:28 learning, the CEO of RTP learning, always reminding

37:31 myself when I get into a gap mind frame or thinking like, oh,

37:36 I should be further along in my business and I start comparing

37:39 myself to others. You know that's a gap or a bag

37:43 issue, right? So the beautiful thing is I have

37:46 language for it. So once I hear it, then I'm able

37:49 to pull myself back in and say, wait a second, look at all the

37:52 progress you made. You're running your own race

37:55 role. Then you don't compare yourself

37:56 to others. That is always hard.

37:59 I think it's part of our human nature.

38:01 And the other part of, of it is I, I'm, I'm so committed to my

38:05 kids and my wife in terms of being present.

38:09 And when my kids do something that's not ideal or, or they

38:15 give me resistance for homework or whatever, it is like I want

38:18 to snap and I have to hold myself or I have to like, you

38:22 know, like, like just listen to dad, you know, do as I say, I

38:25 have to. Reframe it, yeah.

38:27 Exactly, and that's the beautiful part because it is

38:30 challenging. Here's the perfect example.

38:33 My daughter for the longest time wants a dog.

38:35 She has her list and she wrote the reasons why she she very

38:39 specific. She's 8 year olds ago.

38:41 I want to get a golden retriever puppy.

38:45 And this is what I want. I, I first I kind of like,

38:49 'cause I'm like, no, no, no, you don't.

38:51 But then I stopped myself and I was like, well, wait a second.

38:54 If we get that dog, then who do you think's going to take care

38:57 of them? And then she looks at me and

38:59 goes, yeah, I go, so, but then it's not my dog.

39:01 Do you think that's fair? Like you said, reframe it and

39:03 you know you're able to to I'm able to have that relationship

39:06 and a conversation with her in a more human centered way as a

39:13 father child in a more normal way versus me just knocking her

39:17 down and saying, Nope, we're not getting a dog, but have her

39:20 understand the reasons behind why we're not getting a dog.

39:24 I think that's really powerful. The your framework is not just

39:29 helping you as a coach, you're helping your clients.

39:32 You're also helping parents. Yeah, not have fags on their own

39:36 when it comes to raising their children.

39:39 And you know, and that's the beautiful part.

39:41 I think This is why I'm going all in.

39:43 And it's so purposeful for me to lead this way because the

39:46 framework is based on proven frameworks.

39:49 It is based on positive psychology.

39:51 And, and you can see it like you can apply it to an organization

39:56 level for individual leadership, CEO or even just a parent.

40:01 I see. I mean, I have to always stop

40:03 myself. This and This is why I tell

40:06 folks that it's not easy. I can give you the steps.

40:10 They look simple. You can write them out of how to

40:13 go about unpacking your bag and reframing, but it takes a

40:17 day-to-day work. And that's This is why recording

40:21 your daily wins, for example, is one of those tools, right?

40:24 There's many tools in my toolbox, but that's one of the

40:26 tools that that helps you move and break free from old stories.

40:33 Us living in the past, that is so many people's problems.

40:38 You think about it, the past is past, the future you don't know.

40:42 So the present is it should have the most weight.

40:47 Yeah. And I think that's the beautiful

40:48 part because we're so conditioned as a society to to

40:53 to think about time. Very linear, right?

40:56 Like the past happened and now I'm in the present and the

41:01 future's going to come, but if you're not consciously

41:04 evaluating your role as an individual, then it's going to

41:08 be very difficult for you to move with intent.

41:12 Yeah, you'll be in the reactive mode.

41:14 Reactive mode, yeah. And that's not very good.

41:16 Wow. All right, Well, thank you very

41:18 much for having this conversation with me.

41:20 And we hope that listeners, you've learned a thing or two

41:25 about how to unpack your bag or not.

41:28 Let it hold you back and definitely give it a try.

41:32 The challenge that RO is offering for all of us.

41:35 Thank you, Karen. This has been great.

41:37 Thank you very much. Thanks for listening to this

41:41 episode of Mine One. If you enjoyed the conversation,

41:45 don't forget to follow and share it with anyone who needs to hear

41:47 it. And let's keep the conversation

41:49 going. Connect with me on LinkedIn or

41:52 leave me a comment. Until next time, stay curious,

41:56 keep exploring, and let's continue to blend our minds and

41:58 discover what's possible.