What’s really behind your romantic relationship struggles - David Bedermen

0:00 The enemy of something good is something better.

0:03 And So what we find in the modern dating world is that just

0:07 like with everything, there is this constant drive to get our

0:13 attention. And so when it comes to dating

0:15 apps, for example, we would love it, right?

0:17 When we go in, we're like, oh, here's an app that was designed

0:21 to help me find love. But is that really the

0:25 consciousness that people use to create this app?

0:28 We need to learn how to be strategic.

0:32 I keep hearing people say dating is so hard now.

0:35 Too many options, too many apps, too many almost relationships

0:39 that never really go anywhere. But what if dating isn't harder,

0:43 but there's just something we haven't been taught to look at?

0:46 In this episode, my guest David Betterman and I talk about

0:50 attraction, chemistry, emotional triggers, and why the people

0:55 we're drawn to often have less to do with luck and more to do

0:59 with the patterns we carry ourselves.

1:04 Welcome to the show on Mind Blend.

1:06 I'm your host, Karen Chong, and I'll be diving into the minds of

1:10 incredible people, each an expert in their very own way.

1:14 Together, we'll uncover insights and share ideas so you can be

1:18 inspired and empowered to navigate your own unique journey

1:21 in life. Ready to get curious and

1:23 discover what's possible? Let's blend.

1:30 And so in today's Mind Blend, I'm joined by David Betterman, a

1:34 spiritual teacher and behavioral strategist who studies the

1:38 hidden wiring that shapes how we love, attract, and connect.

1:42 He helps people use their individual blueprint and teach

1:46 how decoding the hidden patterns can unlock our life's purpose,

1:49 deeper self love and soul aligned success.

1:53 Hi, David, welcome to Mind Blend.

1:55 Hi, thank you for having me, Karen.

1:57 Excited to be here. Me too because wiring has been

2:01 talked about so many times on Mind Blend but I haven't really

2:05 dived into it in relation to love and relationships, so I'm

2:10 equally excited to have this conversation.

2:12 Wonderful. So I know that you have had

2:15 quite a journey yourself before it leading you to do what you're

2:20 doing today. Would you mind sharing with us a

2:23 little bit about your own journey when it comes to love?

2:26 Absolutely. So I would say that my journey

2:31 when it comes to love and relationships has been

2:34 confusing. And it's been this journey of

2:37 trying to figure out why I attract who I attract, and then

2:43 how to navigate the journey that comes from that.

2:47 Because like I'm sure you're aware, very seldom do we

2:52 actually attract the people that we, we want.

2:56 And we end up getting triggered into all of these unconscious

3:01 behaviors and trying to figure out why that happens, why, why

3:06 I, I'm getting triggered so often.

3:08 So all of that journey through love, through marriage, through

3:13 divorce, through becoming a father has really led me to kind

3:18 of dive into the unconscious wiring that we all have,

3:23 specifically when it comes to our attraction and the people we

3:26 draw into our lives and how we are meant to discover and learn

3:32 and grow from those experiences. And then to figure out along

3:37 that journey how to actually attract and build a very

3:41 fulfilling relationship. So that's definitely been my

3:44 journey. And it it brought me to the

3:48 biblical land of Israel where I studied for many years the

3:51 ancient success wisdom of Kabbalah, which has a lot to

3:55 teach us when it comes to the unconscious patterns of love and

4:00 attraction. We're going to dive so much into

4:02 that, but before we do, you mentioned confusing and you

4:06 mentioned the wiring affected how like the kind of people you

4:11 attract. So that's a very interesting

4:13 lens. Like how does R work?

4:15 Because I was, I would think wiring effects the things that

4:19 we want to do and what we actually do.

4:23 How does that change who we attract?

4:27 So mystically speaking, we live in a magnetic universe, which

4:34 means that we're just like magnets are always attracting.

4:38 They're opposite. So too, each one of us is on a

4:42 journey of growth. And so the places that we need

4:50 to grow tend to be the most attractive force when it comes

4:56 to the people we draw into our lives.

5:00 And what I mean by that is that each one of us is on a journey

5:05 and each one of us is wired to have certain strengths.

5:10 But your strength, which may be your superpower, right?

5:15 Maybe you're, you're very intuitive or you're very

5:17 creative or you're very empathic.

5:22 These you're this skill, this superpower is also the place

5:27 that you need to grow. It's also the place where you

5:30 get stuck. So relationships just like the

5:35 yin Yang, it's all about balance.

5:38 And so just like with the yin Yang, you have the black and the

5:41 white, which are two complete and and whole parts in

5:45 themselves. They they attract their opposite

5:50 and the goal as as the Yin Yang teaches, is balance, right when

5:55 that black comes together with the white, they fit together in

5:59 this perfect circle. And so when it comes to love and

6:03 relationships, each one of us are wired for, you know, with

6:09 our specific gifts, but that also is the place where we need

6:12 to grow. And those growth points, that's

6:15 the attractive force that draws the people into our lives.

6:20 Because what we all crave on on the foundational level is

6:25 balance. And we're attracted to people

6:29 who, unconsciously, we perceive will help us find that balance

6:36 within ourselves. So complete us, so to speak,

6:41 would you say? Complete us, but the we're we're

6:46 all drawn to we all have like a list, right?

6:48 We all have a list of the, the qualities that we want in a

6:53 partner. And we're hoping that, you know,

6:55 if I could get this complete partner who fulfills all the

6:59 check boxes on my list, that that would complete me.

7:04 But the universe doesn't bring us what we want.

7:08 The universe brings us what we need and and so while we're

7:14 often looking for perfection in someone else, what we're really

7:18 attracted to is the people who can help us achieve balance and

7:25 perfection. The the people who can help us

7:28 perfect ourselves. And that is often accomplished

7:33 through shining a light and helping us see the places where

7:39 we most need to grow. It sounds a little bit like a

7:42 superhero, a little bit like there's something that's deep

7:46 down in them they didn't know, but the universe and all the

7:50 forces, like just bring people to them.

7:52 So let's dive into Kabbalah and then we can go into how you use

7:57 that to develop your current strategy.

8:00 I won't spoil it, I'll let you introduce it.

8:03 Great. So what is Kabbalah?

8:05 So Kabbalah is the ancient 3000 year old success wisdom of how

8:12 to live a successful life. And it's kind of like the the

8:17 matrix code to the universe. Just like if you're when you're

8:22 looking at a web page, right, you can go to the menu and you

8:25 can click view source. And then the screen changes

8:29 from, you know, all of the colors and all of the images

8:32 that you might have been seeing to like the HTML source code.

8:36 And so the Kabbalah is kind of like the source code to the

8:40 world that we're living in. It's kind of like the building

8:43 blocks of the universe. And when you understand the

8:48 world that you're living in, that's how you can achieve

8:51 success, meaning that in in order to win any game, you need

8:55 to understand the rules of the game.

8:57 And so the Kabbalah comes to teach us what this world is, how

9:03 it works, and who we are in that game so that we can live a more

9:09 fulfilling, more successful life, so that we can attract

9:12 more fulfilling relationships and and we can we can really get

9:16 more of what we want out of life.

9:18 Because obviously it cannot be something that describes every,

9:22 every single thing on earth, every single person.

9:25 So how do you use that and to build your teaching?

9:29 I would say the thing that really drew me to this wisdom

9:35 was trying to understand myself, trying to understand the

9:40 patterns that kept playing out in my relationships.

9:44 Going through the journey of, of toxic relationships and being

9:48 very attracted to people who not only couldn't give me what I

9:52 wanted, but actually awoken me the really strong feelings,

9:59 really negative feelings, you know, feeling bad.

10:02 And so I think we've all had the experience of attracting people

10:06 who are bad for us and, and, and trying to figure out how to, how

10:11 to navigate that journey. So that was kind of a big part

10:15 of what led me to seek out this wisdom.

10:18 And then what I discovered was that there there is a pattern to

10:22 behavior. And while most people might

10:24 think that behavior is random, right, that we that we are who

10:28 we are. And when we see people who are

10:32 like us, you know, we think that they're great.

10:34 And when we see people who aren't like us, so we kind of

10:37 feel like they're weird or they're.

10:40 You have a defense like you build up unconscious defense.

10:44 Exactly. So what I discovered was

10:47 actually that they're this world is made-up of patterns.

10:52 And when you can see the patterns, that really helps you

10:56 navigate this journey of life more successfully, more easily.

11:01 And it can also help help us navigate the our our challenges

11:07 much quicker because everybody you meet is coming through one

11:12 of 10 different energies. And so when you understand what

11:15 your journey is, then you, you stop getting lost in this habit

11:20 of comparing yourself to other people and you have a, a clear

11:25 path on where you need to focus. But when you don't have the map,

11:29 it's like, you know, if you, if you land in Los Angeles, but

11:33 somebody gives you a map for New York City, you're not going to

11:36 be very good at getting to your destination.

11:39 So too, when we're trying to navigate relationships without

11:43 understanding, without having the map of behavior.

11:46 So it becomes really confusing to understand the type of person

11:50 that you're with, the things that motivate them, and the

11:53 places that they get stuck. But when you have this map of

11:57 personality, which I call the personality code, it makes

12:01 navigating the journey of life and the journey of relationships

12:05 a lot easier because it helps. It gives you a lot of clarity

12:09 into the places that you tend to get stuck.

12:13 And like Carl Jung says, we have to make the unconscious

12:17 conscious, otherwise it will guide our entire life.

12:21 But we'll just think it's faith. And so when when you can notice

12:25 your unconscious patterns, all of a sudden you can, you can

12:29 make big changes in your life very quickly.

12:32 And you can also navigate the common pitfalls of relationships

12:36 much, much easier. Wow, that just reminded me of I

12:40 have a friend. She's very spiritual.

12:43 She is she believes in more like the ancient Eastern, like

12:49 Buddhism slash Feng Shui, that school of thought.

12:52 And she does actually navigate her relationship like social

12:57 network with that in mind, Like she knows that oh, you're born

13:00 in this year and that's why we clash or we will accommodate

13:05 each other, things like that. So let's put it like, let's give

13:09 in a real life example of how that works.

13:12 Let's say you can name someone either your clients without

13:16 naming names obviously, but like tell us like real life scenario

13:20 how not having this map and understanding the personality

13:26 code, how would those be different?

13:29 So one of the examples that comes to mind is when when

13:35 you're having an argument with your partner.

13:38 And so often when we get caught in an argument, we end up having

13:42 the same argument hundreds and hundreds of times because when

13:47 somebody says something that hurts our feelings.

13:50 So we often make the mistake of believing that, you know, you

13:55 said something that hurt me. And so if I can just train this

13:59 person how to behave in a way that doesn't hurt my feelings,

14:05 then everything will be good. But the challenges is that when

14:09 we, when we look to other people as the cause for our feelings,

14:15 we give up all of our power. And so this is really the, the

14:21 main struggle that I find in relationships is that people are

14:25 giving away their power to the other person.

14:28 And so we're, we're making the other person responsible for how

14:32 we feel. And so how they behave and the

14:34 things that they say are responsible for how I feel.

14:38 And the truth is, it's actually the opposite.

14:41 Instead of getting angry at your partner, let's say that you like

14:47 to be on time and you're very organized and you plan a

14:49 wonderful dinner and your partner shows up 30 minutes late

14:54 and your feeling is like, well, they don't respect me.

14:57 They don't, I don't value my time.

14:59 They're not excited about this wonderful dinner that I've I've

15:02 cooked. And so you end up feeling really

15:04 offended and hurt. And so instead of blaming this

15:10 other person and becoming angry and believing that, well, if

15:16 they had just arrived on time, then everything would be fine

15:20 and I would feel good. Instead of getting angry when

15:24 our partners trigger us, the greatest, the most powerful tool

15:28 is recognizing that the places where we get triggered is

15:33 actually the greatest gift for our own growth.

15:37 You see, we need to become the people that we want to become

15:43 it. The responsibility lies with us

15:46 when we can take 100% responsibility for our own

15:49 feelings. All of a sudden, when something

15:52 happens, when, when, when they show up late and we're feeling

15:55 hurt, that becomes an opportunity for us to explore

15:58 what am I believing about this situation?

16:02 Or what does this situation cause me to believe about

16:06 myself? That's where the gold is because

16:10 the places that you get triggered are the places where

16:14 you need to grow. And your partner is always going

16:18 to be the one who's triggering those responses.

16:21 And so instead of getting angry at them, we need to be thanking

16:24 our partners for helping us see these places that are

16:28 uncomfortable, that we don't understand and that we want to

16:33 learn how to navigate. And so when we can take

16:35 responsibility for how we feel, all of a sudden we become very

16:39 grateful to this person for helping me see this place where

16:44 I'm getting stuck. Because I would think if I just

16:50 attract people who are on time when that fix the problem.

16:54 But I guess if that's our growth area, maybe that's the energy

16:59 that you give out that you don't try people who are on time.

17:03 So that's the question. Let's say that time is a very

17:06 sensitive issue for you. And when people are late, it it

17:10 bothers you, it's difficult for you, it's painful for you.

17:14 So in our minds, we might believe, oh, if I would just, I

17:18 just need to be with someone who is on time.

17:21 That's great. But but, but we're not here to

17:25 to live a pina colada vacation, right?

17:28 That's not mystically. That's not why we're on this

17:30 planet. We are here to grow and to

17:34 become the most successful version of ourselves.

17:37 So all growth is counterintuitive.

17:40 So we think that we need to attract someone who's on time

17:44 and then life will be easy and I'll feel good.

17:47 But what's actually happening is we're attracting people who will

17:51 trigger our sense of injustice and pain at not being on time so

17:57 that we can discover, well, what is it about me that needs to be

18:01 on time? And what is it that's happening

18:04 inside me when I'm getting upset when somebody is late?

18:09 And so that becomes an opportunity for me to fix the

18:12 place within myself rather than just going through life being

18:18 with people who who kind of shield us from from those

18:22 uncomfortable and those undeveloped places.

18:26 Wow, that's enlightening because like you, you probably hear a

18:31 lot where people say I keep attracting the wrong people.

18:35 But I guess you will always attract the wrong people is how

18:38 you interact and how you handle these interactions.

18:43 Yeah, the universe doesn't bring you what you want.

18:46 The universe brings you what you need.

18:48 And So what I say is the most important tool to navigating how

18:53 to build a successful relationship is keeping the

18:57 focus on ourselves. If I can become a patient,

19:03 loving, and giving partner to myself, right?

19:08 If I can, if I can accept myself when I fall short of my own

19:13 expectations, if I can accept, if I can love myself when I make

19:18 a mistake, then I'll be able to show up in the same way for my

19:26 partner when they make a mistake.

19:28 And what kind of relationship would you like to have?

19:31 Would you like to have a relationship with somebody who

19:34 who doesn't really love themselves, who doesn't know how

19:38 to accept themselves? Or would you rather be in a

19:40 relationship with someone who really appreciates themself, who

19:45 really loves themself, and who really accepts themself even

19:50 when they're not perfect? Right.

19:53 And obviously the answer is the second, you know, we all want to

19:56 be with someone who's loving and understanding, but in order to

20:00 attract that, we first need to learn how to access that in

20:05 ourselves. So in order to attract an

20:09 amazing partner, we have to 1st learn how to be an amazing

20:13 partner with ourselves. We will only ever be able to

20:18 love somebody else according to the level that we are able to.

20:23 Love ourselves. Wow, you mentioned the Kabbalah

20:28 is ancient wisdom and the code for the world.

20:32 Like last week I listened to a podcast, really interesting.

20:35 It talked about how historically people got married for strategic

20:41 reasons, that you marry the the next kingdom's Princess so you

20:47 can get strategic power over the geography and you may marry

20:51 someone. You're Baker, so you may marry

20:53 someone who is also good at Beijing, and then you two form a

20:56 great partnership. That's closer to the ancient

21:00 wisdom side of the thinking than how we approach love and

21:04 relationship right now. How can we best draw from this

21:08 ancient wisdom to what we're dealing with today?

21:10 So I would say one of the biggest misunderstandings when

21:15 it comes to love is that most people are looking to love on

21:21 the outside to fill them up on the inside.

21:24 We are looking for somebody else to give us something that we're

21:30 lacking. Kind of like, you know, I have a

21:33 bucket and my bucket is empty and or, or it's half full and

21:37 I'm looking to someone else to fill up that bucket.

21:41 But love comes from the ancient Hebrew word Ahava, and the root

21:47 of that word is have to give. And so This is why we have so

21:52 much love for our children, because our children don't

21:56 really give much back to us. I mean, later in life, the

21:59 relationship we build with them can definitely be, you know,

22:02 very giving. But the foundation of that

22:05 relationship is all built on all of the giving that I do for my

22:11 children. They, they won't survive without

22:14 me. So the more I give, the more I

22:17 love. And so mystically speaking, I

22:21 think the the greatest tip that we can take from this ancient

22:25 wisdom when it comes to love and relationships is that we need to

22:31 up level how we look at love. And if we can transform our

22:37 focus in relationships from looking to the outside and

22:43 looking to somebody else to give me what I want.

22:47 But if we can, we can up level that and and focus our attention

22:51 on who is the person to whom I feel that it's my deepest

22:57 purpose to give to the most, then our relationships will

23:03 completely transform. And so then I'm looking to my

23:09 partner as the person that I feel I can support the most on

23:16 their journey. And if I feel that like this is

23:19 the person that I can give to the most.

23:21 And I'm supporting you to achieve your goals and doing

23:25 whatever I can to help you become the best version of

23:29 yourself. And if you're with a person for

23:32 whom you feel that, yes, I really love giving to this

23:37 person and I really feel like it's my deepest mission in life

23:41 to support this person in becoming their most amazing

23:46 self. That's how I would say the the

23:50 ancient mystical wisdom is teaching us for how to approach

23:56 love. Yeah, it's definitely not

23:59 checking your own list when it comes to finding a partner,

24:03 which is a key part in our modern day dating culture.

24:08 Absolutely. Now, like there's various dating

24:13 apps out there and they typically have like similar

24:17 functionality. You get a list of people who

24:20 matches your requirements and then you look at them, look at

24:23 their profiles. Maybe you decide to go out, meet

24:26 them or just move on next one. What do you think?

24:29 Our modern day dating culture Make Love and relationship fail

24:34 and succeed. I would say that the enemy of

24:38 something good is something better.

24:41 And So what we find in the modern dating world is that just

24:46 like with just like with with everything, there is this

24:51 constant drive to get our attention to, to keep us on the

24:58 app longer. And so before we we dive into to

25:02 using any tool, we need to ask ourself what's the consciousness

25:07 that created this tool? And so when it comes to dating

25:11 apps, for example, we would love it right?

25:14 When we go in, we're like, oh, here's a, an app that was

25:17 designed to help me find love. But is that really the

25:21 consciousness that people use to create this app?

25:26 Actually, the consciousness behind these apps is designed to

25:30 keep us on the app longer because the more we use the app,

25:35 the more memberships they'll sell, the more ads they can

25:38 serve. And so we need to learn how to

25:41 be strategic and the enemy of something good is always

25:45 something better. And so this constant drive to

25:50 see, you know, who's next, who's better, that really gets in the

25:54 way of building a fulfilling relationship.

25:58 Because back in the day, you know, before when when we just

26:01 lived in small towns and we didn't have access to millions

26:05 of people. So our relationships were kind

26:08 of limited by the people in our physical sphere.

26:12 So when you met somebody you you weren't being constantly said

26:16 this, this never ending, you know, source of options like you

26:22 have the opportunity to focus. Mm hmm.

26:24 And I think the the biggest challenge to dating today is our

26:29 inability to focus on the person that we are with and to ask

26:33 ourselves the question, can I build something with this

26:37 person? Can I navigate my most

26:39 challenging moments with this person?

26:42 And is this person somebody who I feel I can really support on

26:49 their journey? And is this someone who can

26:51 really support me in navigating my own journey?

26:56 And I think if we can learn to use these apps just as tools to

27:02 help us connect with somebody, great.

27:05 But when we meet someone to uninstall it or, or to, yeah,

27:12 really to uninstall it and, and to focus on one person, I think

27:16 our ability to focus is the single most powerful tool that

27:20 we have in order to succeed in, in relationships.

27:27 And I think that if we focus on right, it's very hard to give to

27:32 one person if you're constantly being distracted by the

27:36 opportunities of somebody else. And the truth is, is that we're

27:41 always in a relationship with ourselves.

27:44 And this constant distraction of other people keeps us from

27:50 actually remembering that we are navigating getting relationship

27:55 with our self and that this person who I am meeting is, is a

28:00 mirror for myself. And that's where we need to keep

28:04 our focus. And if we're distracted, then I

28:08 think we we lose the whole opportunity that matching with

28:11 someone, you know, really provides us.

28:14 So it's really the benefit of being connected to people you

28:18 would have never met in your life because they're not living

28:21 next door. So it's probably the exposure.

28:25 Yeah, we're living in an incredible time where we all

28:29 have access to so much information and that allows us

28:33 this incredible opportunity to connect with people that we

28:36 might not have been able to to meet in the past.

28:40 But like everything, it's a 2 sided sword.

28:44 So we have to learn how to use the mind so that we don't get

28:47 used by it. And it's just, it's the same

28:50 when it comes to to dating and relationships.

28:53 We need to learn how to use these amazing tools that we have

28:58 to meet amazing people, but we need to learn how to use them

29:03 and not get used by them. And so there's an opportunity

29:07 now where where we can get introduced and we can meet

29:11 people based on our mutual interests and where we we can

29:16 meet people based on, you know, what's important to us.

29:20 But if we get pulled into kind of being always on the apps and

29:27 always getting drawn in, then we are getting used by these apps

29:32 rather than than using them for the for the incredible power

29:36 that they really present us, I think.

29:38 Yeah, like when you're, let's say you're talking to someone

29:41 like you're on a date with them and but there's these other

29:44 notification of new matches and you see that, oh, this person is

29:47 2 inches taller, maybe that'll be a better match.

29:51 So really important to learn how to use our mind, like keep us in

29:55 control. I want to talk about physical

29:57 attraction because modern day culture, not necessarily just on

30:01 apps, but even in real life, physical attraction is

30:04 definitely a factor when it comes to whether or not you are

30:08 attracted to people or people are attracted to you.

30:12 So how does that work with the personality code?

30:16 Like your own wiring? So I would say that we have to

30:20 understand the the rules of the game.

30:23 And the first rule that we need to understand is that we are not

30:28 one person. We are actually two people.

30:31 We are this infinite soul in a finite body.

30:36 So a part of us, our soul is infinite and is connected to the

30:42 creator and has access, right? Our unconscious has access to

30:48 infinite wisdom. And then the other part of us is

30:51 this physical side of us, this ego, this left brain kind of

30:57 animal survival brain. And these these two kind of

31:02 consciousnesses are, are battling for our attention at

31:06 all times. And so on the one hand, there's

31:09 chemistry, right? And chemistry is kind of like

31:12 the the animal attraction that really drives so much of our

31:17 connection with people. But we have to understand that

31:21 chemistry doesn't necessarily include the tools for a

31:25 successful relationship. And so certainly finding

31:30 somebody that you have chemistry with and have the tools to

31:35 actually build a fulfilling relationship with, right?

31:38 Obviously we're looking for that, for that delicate balance,

31:43 but we have to learn how to question our chemistry, our

31:48 attraction, because chemistry doesn't care if there's a body

31:54 in your, in your trunk, right? Chemistry is only like, oh, I

31:57 like that car they're driving, right?

31:59 That looks good to me. But we need to learn to question

32:03 our chemistry and at the same time ask ourselves, is this

32:07 person that I'm attracted to actually possess the qualities

32:12 that will enable me and will enable us to build something

32:16 meaningful. And I think there's a delicate

32:19 balance that we, on some level, we need to learn how to, in a

32:24 way, mistrust our own attraction.

32:29 And the people who are good for us may not necessarily be the

32:35 people that we are most attracted to.

32:39 And so we need to learn how to kind of question that wiring and

32:44 find our own balance for ourselves so that we can get off

32:50 the train of, you know, the the never ending merry go round of

32:55 unfulfilling relationships or situation ships, right?

32:59 We need to ask ourselves, what is it that I want?

33:03 And it may be that the person I'm most attracted to isn't the

33:08 person that is best for me. And we need to kind of take

33:14 control of that that narrative, rather than allowing our

33:18 chemical attraction to lead the show and to be in control of all

33:25 of our decisions. Yeah, I am really glad that you

33:28 pointed out as a fine balance because the same goes the other

33:32 way. People marry people because of

33:36 all the not physical attraction. But he has a good job or like

33:40 she is all the financial stuff on paper, you know, like kind of

33:45 like reading that person too resume.

33:49 So there there's also that too. So it's, I guess it is really

33:53 delicate because you can, you need to be with a person who is

33:57 not just on one side like you need.

34:00 And, and no matter like, no matter how attracted you are to

34:03 somebody, once you've been with that person and once you've been

34:08 with that person for a year, it no matter how attractive the

34:12 person is, after we've been with somebody for a long time, that

34:16 attraction is, is going to fade. There's always going to be

34:19 people who we are more attracted to, but we need to learn how to

34:23 take control of that animal side of us and recognize that when

34:29 when we're in an amazing relationship, the attraction is

34:34 going to be less important. Because no matter how attracted

34:40 we are to someone, it's still going to wear off after after a

34:45 long time. And so we kind of need to learn

34:48 how to see the future and I think find someone that we are

34:53 attracted to enough. But it goes back to what I said

34:56 earlier, that we, we can't let this animal part of us make all

35:01 of the decisions because this animal part of us, our ego is

35:06 actually a very young and a very immature side of us.

35:12 And, and there's a lot more than just attraction when it comes to

35:18 building a a lifelong relationship.

35:21 You're not going to wake up every day thinking you are so

35:24 pretty and like everyone aged to those physical appearance will

35:30 never say the same. But when it comes to love, we

35:34 have to remember that the more we give to somebody, the more

35:39 we'll fall in love with them. So we can use attraction as the

35:43 as kind of like the initial guide towards who am I really

35:49 drawn to love, but not like who am I drawn to get love from?

35:56 Who am I drawn to that awakens in me a desire to give to them.

36:02 And, and that's why love is a choice, because attraction can

36:06 guide us towards the people that we may fall in love with, but at

36:12 some point we need to choose to invest in the person and we

36:17 invest in the person by giving to them.

36:20 And it doesn't matter who the person is, if you make a choice.

36:25 And the more you invest in them and the more you give to them,

36:28 the more you will fall in love with them.

36:31 It's like love is kind of like the turbo boost on your car.

36:34 You know, if you've ever driven a car with a turbo is that, you

36:37 know, you start going, but after you after you get the engine

36:41 revving enough, you know, all of a sudden an extra boost of power

36:45 pushes in. And that's kind of kind of like

36:48 the power of love. It's like attraction can get our

36:51 engines going, It can get the relationship moving.

36:54 But then at a certain point, we need to transition into the

36:58 turbo boost and start loving the person, start giving them, start

37:03 giving to them. And then the more we give to

37:06 them, the more that kind of catapults the relationship into

37:10 something that we've never even experienced.

37:13 And that can go so much further than just the physical or the

37:17 sexual attraction could ever bring us to.

37:22 So you mentioned you need to invest time in the person, and

37:27 you may have heard this many times too.

37:29 I hear this all the time from my friends.

37:31 I don't have enough time. The clock is ticking.

37:34 I don't have enough time to invest in people and just to

37:36 find out they're not the right ones, I have to start over.

37:40 Like, I don't know if you have had people come to you saying

37:43 the same thing, like. What would you tell them?

37:45 I definitely have had people come to me and and tell me that

37:49 I don't have enough time for relationships.

37:52 And so and it's true that the older we get, the more

37:56 complicated life becomes and the less time that we have, which

37:59 means that we want to learn how to be strategic in building and

38:04 working towards finding a fulfilling relationship.

38:07 So how do we approach relationships strategically?

38:11 Well, the first thing that I would say is that we want to be

38:15 very careful when it comes to physicality because physical

38:20 connection is probably the greatest drug out there on the

38:26 planet. And so if we when we give

38:29 ourselves over to physical romance too early, it can kind

38:36 of take over how we prioritize that relationship.

38:43 Whereas if we leave the physical part till later, we actually can

38:47 explore, you know, something that's maybe not far more

38:51 important, but definitely equally as important, which is,

38:56 is this person good for me? Can this person help me navigate

39:01 the challenges in my life? And it's so hard to do.

39:04 But remember, all growth is counterintuitive.

39:08 So if you want to take a shortcut to filling

39:12 relationships, we need to learn how to think strategically.

39:16 And so if we can spend the initial moments of a new

39:21 connection really exploring the person and what we have in

39:26 common, and more specifically, how do we navigate the, the

39:32 challenges that come up? And then once we see that there

39:36 are, you know, potential building blocks for a successful

39:40 relationship, you know, then we can sprinkle in and start to

39:44 explore the physicality. I, I think that that's usually

39:48 what I what I suggest with my clients and it's proven itself

39:54 to be a, a very efficient way to use the time that so many of us

40:00 are lacking. Yeah, because if, if you

40:04 approach it like a lot of us do modern day, the physical part,

40:09 you probably start with the physical part and then you lose

40:12 time because it will fail and then you have to do it all

40:15 again. So you have to do it all again,

40:17 no matter what. And then we end up looking at

40:19 this person not through the lens of relationship, but rather

40:26 through the lens of filling up a need.

40:30 And so, you know, from a chemical's perspective, like

40:33 some of the most powerful chemicals that we produce for

40:37 ourselves, you know, they, they're created through love and

40:41 physical intimacy. And so we end up getting

40:44 addicted to people like a drug before we actually to answer the

40:51 question, is this person good for me?

40:55 And so that's how we end up wasting time because most people

40:59 don't have a good handle on their own, on their own chemical

41:05 dependency, you know, so we're we're all feeling lonely.

41:08 We're all feeling life is difficult, and physical intimacy

41:12 is one of the, you know, the greatest stress relievers out

41:15 there. But.

41:17 So soothing. Very, very soothing.

41:20 But we have to understand that, you know, we're complicating our

41:23 own journey. We're wasting our own time.

41:25 Whereas if, if we can keep the focus on ourselves and, you

41:30 know, learning how to soothe and comfort and, and feel all right

41:36 with ourselves, then, you know, it's easier to push the physical

41:40 part aside so that we can focus and really use our time wisely.

41:46 But that's, that's probably, I would say the greatest obstacle

41:51 that most people face today is that they're they're getting

41:56 addicted to how another person makes them feel before they've

42:02 discovered whether or not this is someone that they really feel

42:06 aligned with on a soul level. And that's one of the places

42:11 that you can, I think, save a lot of time and a lot of energy.

42:16 Yeah, I think there are people who like a match with you, but

42:21 you need a partner who can keep the fire going.

42:25 Like there needs to be fuel that you can add to the fire so that

42:28 it keeps burning. So that's a really good segue to

42:32 some rapid fire questions I want to ask you.

42:36 Have you heard of Love Island, Married as First Sight and The

42:41 Bachelor? 'S Oh yes.

42:43 OK, which one of these is like the most unrealistic for a long

42:48 lasting relationship? I think that they're all they're

42:52 all designed to keep us hooked on the story of, you know, of,

43:02 of finding true love. But a lot of these, like one of

43:07 the shows, maybe it's Love at first sight, one of these shows,

43:12 they have a whole team of psychologists, right?

43:14 And, and you kind of get the idea that they're, oh, great.

43:18 So they're bringing together people who that, you know, they

43:22 think are going to be good for each other.

43:24 But what's actually happening behind the scenes, I think a lot

43:27 of times is they're putting people together who they know

43:30 aren't a good match because it creates a lot of drama, and

43:34 drama creates, you know, viewers, and that creates ATV

43:39 series. And so I think all of these

43:43 programs are they don't help us at all when it comes to, to

43:50 fulfilling relationships. In fact, they're, they're

43:53 probably a better example of exactly what doesn't work.

43:58 Like here's someone that you you don't know at all.

44:02 And let's throw you into this made-up story of marriage.

44:08 Let's just marry someone you've never met and now go on a

44:11 journey and, and see what's going to happen.

44:14 It's obviously it's the opposite and it creates great drama, but

44:18 I don't think it gives us any real tools to help us navigate

44:26 finding a successful relationship.

44:28 But it does keep us hooked on this endless stream of, of, of

44:34 emotions that these shows kind of stir up in us because, you

44:38 know, they bring us through this whole journey of our own

44:41 unfulfilling relationships and they make us feel things.

44:44 And that's the problem is that we, we, we all want to feel

44:49 love. We all want to feel connection.

44:51 And so we're tuning into programs that are evoking all of

44:54 these feelings that we're having.

44:56 But it's our own addiction to these emotions that is keeping

45:02 us away from actually building a fulfilling relationship.

45:09 Yeah, you just want to stay in that feel good period forever.

45:12 But so in other words, none of them.

45:17 All of them are very realistic depictions of how relationships

45:23 tend to be today when when people are not, are not

45:29 disciplined within themselves, don't have a healthy sense of

45:32 self love it. They're all very good at keeping

45:36 us hooked on looking to somebody else to feel good.

45:40 And that serves the TV producers, that serves the app

45:45 creators. But that doesn't serve the

45:48 children that you might want to become parents to.

45:51 It doesn't serve the partner that you might want to spend the

45:55 rest of your life with. Yeah.

45:58 If you had the personality code when you were younger, what

46:02 would you have stopped doing immediately?

46:07 If I had understood that there was a system that described

46:14 behavior, the one thing that I would have stopped doing from a

46:19 very early age is the one thing that I think is most

46:25 destructive. It's the thing that's destroying

46:27 people's relationships. It's the thing that's destroying

46:30 people's confidence. It's the unconscious habit of

46:36 comparing ourselves to other people.

46:40 Because when I was very young, I felt like something was wrong

46:45 with me. I had a lot of emotions.

46:47 I didn't know how to control them.

46:49 And I just, I just, I was very sensitive to energy and to

46:54 people. And so I was always, you know,

46:57 happy, sad. I was on this uncontrollable

47:00 wave of emotions and I would end up comparing myself to other

47:04 people. Why can't I be more like him?

47:07 Why can't I be more like her? And what I discovered when I

47:12 learned the personality code was that there are a few distinct

47:19 journeys, and everybody is coming through one of these ten

47:22 different energies. Which means that instead of

47:26 comparing myself to somebody else, I would have discovered

47:30 that there is a unique wiring that we all have.

47:35 And so you are perfect, and your imperfections are what make you

47:40 perfect. It's like when the light bulb,

47:44 you know, feels the electricity running through it and it says,

47:47 you know, wow, I love being able to light up a room.

47:50 I love these amazing conversations that I'm that are

47:53 able to happen because of me. I love being a light bulb,

47:57 right? That's happiness.

47:59 But when the light bulb spends this whole day looking at the,

48:03 the coffee maker, just wishing it could, it could brew coffee

48:06 because look at how many people need coffee and look how much

48:11 coffee, you know, wakes people up And Oh, I wish I could just

48:14 be a coffee maker, right? That's the definition of

48:17 sadness. And that's where most people are

48:20 stuck is they're stuck comparing themselves to other people

48:25 rather than understanding the unique gifts that they've been

48:30 given and the unique places where they get stuck and they

48:36 need to grow. And so I think keeping the focus

48:39 on ourselves is probably the single most powerful lesson that

48:44 the personality code taught me. And it can really save you years

48:50 and years of time and and endless amounts of wasted

48:55 energy. Mm hmm.

48:57 Yeah, like wishing something were something else.

49:01 That never really works. I don't think it ever works.

49:04 It does. It always works and it always

49:07 works to create pain and suffering.

49:12 Yeah, OK, Next one. You are a very spiritual person.

49:17 What's the most unspiritual habit of yours?

49:21 The most unspiritual thing that I love to do is to wake up in

49:25 the morning and jump in 0° water and sit there for three minutes

49:31 listening to my favorite song and then getting up and

49:35 shivering and feeling this. This feeling of aliveness that I

49:42 cannot feel when I stay under the covers.

49:47 I think I saw a video. I was, I am so impressed that

49:52 you were able to just talk so naturally.

49:56 Yeah. OK, last one.

49:58 What feature of dating apps do you think is the worst?

50:05 The constant ability to swipe and see always someone something

50:11 better. I was once when I soon after I

50:16 was divorced, I actually joined two friends of mine on a date

50:21 and I witnessed something that it, it just blew my mind.

50:26 We're sitting there at the table and the the two people were

50:30 across from each other. One person went to the washroom

50:33 and while they're at the washroom, the other person was

50:36 actually swiping on the dating app.

50:38 And I think this that the the worst feature of the dating apps

50:43 is that you keep them installed when you have met somebody else.

50:49 I think if you can, if, if we can delete the app.

50:52 Yeah, yeah. And focus on one person.

50:55 That's going to be your single greatest tool in your kit to

51:00 meeting somebody amazing. Yeah, like love, relationship,

51:05 Kabbalah, these are such deep topics that we're not going to

51:11 tackle all of it together in one episode.

51:14 Thank you very much David for coming on to mind.

51:17 Glen, I'm sure a lot of us are like, oh, what's David's

51:20 contact? I'm going to talk to him.

51:23 So I'll leave all your information, social handles in

51:26 the show notes and listeners leave us some comments or get in

51:29 touch with me and or David. Thank you, Karen, it was a

51:33 pleasure to be here. Thank you for having.

51:35 Me Thank you very much, David. Thanks for listening to this

51:41 episode of mine one. If you enjoyed the conversation,

51:44 don't forget to follow and share it with anyone who needs to hear

51:46 it. And let's keep the conversation

51:49 going. Connect with me on LinkedIn or

51:51 leave me a comment. Until next time, stay curious,

51:55 keep exploring, and let's continue to blend our minds and

51:58 discover what's possible.