What’s really behind your romantic relationship struggles - David Bedermen

0:00 The enemy of something good is something better. And So what we find in the modern dating world is that just like with everything, there is this constant drive to get our attention. And so when it comes to dating apps, for example, we would love it, right? When we go in, we're like, oh, here's an app that was designed to help me find love. But is that really the consciousness that people use to create this app? We need to learn how to be strategic. I keep hearing people say dating is so hard now.

0:35 Too many options, too many apps, too many almost relationships that never really go anywhere. But what if dating isn't harder, but there's just something we haven't been taught to look at? In this episode, my guest David Betterman and I talk about attraction, chemistry, emotional triggers, and why the people we're drawn to often have less to do with luck and more to do with the patterns we carry ourselves.

1:04 Welcome to the show on Mind Blend. I'm your host, Karen Chong, and I'll be diving into the minds of incredible people, each an expert in their very own way. Together, we'll uncover insights and share ideas so you can be inspired and empowered to navigate your own unique journey in life. Ready to get curious and discover what's possible? Let's blend.

1:30 And so in today's Mind Blend, I'm joined by David Betterman, a spiritual teacher and behavioral strategist who studies the hidden wiring that shapes how we love, attract, and connect. He helps people use their individual blueprint and teach how decoding the hidden patterns can unlock our life's purpose, deeper self love and soul aligned success. Hi, David, welcome to Mind Blend. Hi, thank you for having me, Karen. Excited to be here. Me too because wiring has been talked about so many times on Mind Blend but I haven't really dived into it in relation to love and relationships, so I'm equally excited to have this conversation.

2:12 Wonderful. So I know that you have had quite a journey yourself before it leading you to do what you're doing today. Would you mind sharing with us a little bit about your own journey when it comes to love? Absolutely. So I would say that my journey when it comes to love and relationships has been confusing. And it's been this journey of trying to figure out why I attract who I attract, and then how to navigate the journey that comes from that. Because like I'm sure you're aware, very seldom do we actually attract the people that we, we want.

2:56 And we end up getting triggered into all of these unconscious behaviors and trying to figure out why that happens, why, why I, I'm getting triggered so often. So all of that journey through love, through marriage, through divorce, through becoming a father has really led me to kind of dive into the unconscious wiring that we all have, specifically when it comes to our attraction and the people we draw into our lives and how we are meant to discover and learn and grow from those experiences. And then to figure out along that journey how to actually attract and build a very fulfilling relationship.

3:42 So that's definitely been my journey. And it it brought me to the biblical land of Israel where I studied for many years the ancient success wisdom of Kabbalah, which has a lot to teach us when it comes to the unconscious patterns of love and attraction. We're going to dive so much into that, but before we do, you mentioned confusing and you mentioned the wiring affected how like the kind of people you attract. So that's a very interesting lens. Like how does R work? Because I was, I would think wiring effects the things that we want to do and what we actually do.

4:23 How does that change who we attract? So mystically speaking, we live in a magnetic universe, which means that we're just like magnets are always attracting. They're opposite. So too, each one of us is on a journey of growth. And so the places that we need to grow tend to be the most attractive force when it comes to the people we draw into our lives. And what I mean by that is that each one of us is on a journey and each one of us is wired to have certain strengths. But your strength, which may be your superpower, right?

5:15 Maybe you're, you're very intuitive or you're very creative or you're very empathic. These you're this skill, this superpower is also the place that you need to grow. It's also the place where you get stuck. So relationships just like the yin Yang, it's all about balance. And so just like with the yin Yang, you have the black and the white, which are two complete and and whole parts in themselves. They they attract their opposite and the goal as as the Yin Yang teaches, is balance, right when that black comes together with the white, they fit together in this perfect circle.

6:01 And so when it comes to love and relationships, each one of us are wired for, you know, with our specific gifts, but that also is the place where we need to grow. And those growth points, that's the attractive force that draws the people into our lives. Because what we all crave on on the foundational level is balance. And we're attracted to people who, unconsciously, we perceive will help us find that balance within ourselves. So complete us, so to speak, would you say? Complete us, but the we're we're all drawn to we all have like a list, right?

6:48 We all have a list of the, the qualities that we want in a partner. And we're hoping that, you know, if I could get this complete partner who fulfills all the check boxes on my list, that that would complete me. But the universe doesn't bring us what we want. The universe brings us what we need and and so while we're often looking for perfection in someone else, what we're really attracted to is the people who can help us achieve balance and perfection. The the people who can help us perfect ourselves.

7:30 And that is often accomplished through shining a light and helping us see the places where we most need to grow. It sounds a little bit like a superhero, a little bit like there's something that's deep down in them they didn't know, but the universe and all the forces, like just bring people to them. So let's dive into Kabbalah and then we can go into how you use that to develop your current strategy. I won't spoil it, I'll let you introduce it. Great. So what is Kabbalah? So Kabbalah is the ancient 3000 year old success wisdom of how to live a successful life.

8:14 And it's kind of like the the matrix code to the universe. Just like if you're when you're looking at a web page, right, you can go to the menu and you can click view source. And then the screen changes from, you know, all of the colors and all of the images that you might have been seeing to like the HTML source code. And so the Kabbalah is kind of like the source code to the world that we're living in. It's kind of like the building blocks of the universe. And when you understand the world that you're living in, that's how you can achieve success, meaning that in in order to win any game, you need to understand the rules of the game.

8:57 And so the Kabbalah comes to teach us what this world is, how it works, and who we are in that game so that we can live a more fulfilling, more successful life, so that we can attract more fulfilling relationships and and we can we can really get more of what we want out of life. Because obviously it cannot be something that describes every, every single thing on earth, every single person. So how do you use that and to build your teaching? I would say the thing that really drew me to this wisdom was trying to understand myself, trying to understand the patterns that kept playing out in my relationships.

9:44 Going through the journey of, of toxic relationships and being very attracted to people who not only couldn't give me what I wanted, but actually awoken me the really strong feelings, really negative feelings, you know, feeling bad. And so I think we've all had the experience of attracting people who are bad for us and, and, and trying to figure out how to, how to navigate that journey. So that was kind of a big part of what led me to seek out this wisdom. And then what I discovered was that there there is a pattern to behavior.

10:22 And while most people might think that behavior is random, right, that we that we are who we are. And when we see people who are like us, you know, we think that they're great. And when we see people who aren't like us, so we kind of feel like they're weird or they're. You have a defense like you build up unconscious defense. Exactly. So what I discovered was actually that they're this world is made-up of patterns. And when you can see the patterns, that really helps you navigate this journey of life more successfully, more easily.

11:01 And it can also help help us navigate the our our challenges much quicker because everybody you meet is coming through one of 10 different energies. And so when you understand what your journey is, then you, you stop getting lost in this habit of comparing yourself to other people and you have a, a clear path on where you need to focus. But when you don't have the map, it's like, you know, if you, if you land in Los Angeles, but somebody gives you a map for New York City, you're not going to be very good at getting to your destination.

11:39 So too, when we're trying to navigate relationships without understanding, without having the map of behavior. So it becomes really confusing to understand the type of person that you're with, the things that motivate them, and the places that they get stuck. But when you have this map of personality, which I call the personality code, it makes navigating the journey of life and the journey of relationships a lot easier because it helps. It gives you a lot of clarity into the places that you tend to get stuck.

12:13 And like Carl Jung says, we have to make the unconscious conscious, otherwise it will guide our entire life. But we'll just think it's faith. And so when when you can notice your unconscious patterns, all of a sudden you can, you can make big changes in your life very quickly. And you can also navigate the common pitfalls of relationships much, much easier. Wow, that just reminded me of I have a friend. She's very spiritual. She is she believes in more like the ancient Eastern, like Buddhism slash Feng Shui, that school of thought.

12:52 And she does actually navigate her relationship like social network with that in mind, Like she knows that oh, you're born in this year and that's why we clash or we will accommodate each other, things like that. So let's put it like, let's give in a real life example of how that works. Let's say you can name someone either your clients without naming names obviously, but like tell us like real life scenario how not having this map and understanding the personality code, how would those be different?

13:29 So one of the examples that comes to mind is when when you're having an argument with your partner. And so often when we get caught in an argument, we end up having the same argument hundreds and hundreds of times because when somebody says something that hurts our feelings. So we often make the mistake of believing that, you know, you said something that hurt me. And so if I can just train this person how to behave in a way that doesn't hurt my feelings, then everything will be good. But the challenges is that when we, when we look to other people as the cause for our feelings, we give up all of our power.

14:18 And so this is really the, the main struggle that I find in relationships is that people are giving away their power to the other person. And so we're, we're making the other person responsible for how we feel. And so how they behave and the things that they say are responsible for how I feel. And the truth is, it's actually the opposite. Instead of getting angry at your partner, let's say that you like to be on time and you're very organized and you plan a wonderful dinner and your partner shows up 30 minutes late and your feeling is like, well, they don't respect me.

14:57 They don't, I don't value my time. They're not excited about this wonderful dinner that I've I've cooked. And so you end up feeling really offended and hurt. And so instead of blaming this other person and becoming angry and believing that, well, if they had just arrived on time, then everything would be fine and I would feel good. Instead of getting angry when our partners trigger us, the greatest, the most powerful tool is recognizing that the places where we get triggered is actually the greatest gift for our own growth.

15:37 You see, we need to become the people that we want to become it. The responsibility lies with us when we can take 100% responsibility for our own feelings. All of a sudden, when something happens, when, when, when they show up late and we're feeling hurt, that becomes an opportunity for us to explore what am I believing about this situation? Or what does this situation cause me to believe about myself? That's where the gold is because the places that you get triggered are the places where you need to grow.

16:15 And your partner is always going to be the one who's triggering those responses. And so instead of getting angry at them, we need to be thanking our partners for helping us see these places that are uncomfortable, that we don't understand and that we want to learn how to navigate. And so when we can take responsibility for how we feel, all of a sudden we become very grateful to this person for helping me see this place where I'm getting stuck. Because I would think if I just attract people who are on time when that fix the problem.

16:54 But I guess if that's our growth area, maybe that's the energy that you give out that you don't try people who are on time. So that's the question. Let's say that time is a very sensitive issue for you. And when people are late, it it bothers you, it's difficult for you, it's painful for you. So in our minds, we might believe, oh, if I would just, I just need to be with someone who is on time. That's great. But but, but we're not here to to live a pina colada vacation, right? That's not mystically.

17:29 That's not why we're on this planet. We are here to grow and to become the most successful version of ourselves. So all growth is counterintuitive. So we think that we need to attract someone who's on time and then life will be easy and I'll feel good. But what's actually happening is we're attracting people who will trigger our sense of injustice and pain at not being on time so that we can discover, well, what is it about me that needs to be on time? And what is it that's happening inside me when I'm getting upset when somebody is late?

18:09 And so that becomes an opportunity for me to fix the place within myself rather than just going through life being with people who who kind of shield us from from those uncomfortable and those undeveloped places. Wow, that's enlightening because like you, you probably hear a lot where people say I keep attracting the wrong people. But I guess you will always attract the wrong people is how you interact and how you handle these interactions. Yeah, the universe doesn't bring you what you want. The universe brings you what you need.

18:48 And So what I say is the most important tool to navigating how to build a successful relationship is keeping the focus on ourselves. If I can become a patient, loving, and giving partner to myself, right? If I can, if I can accept myself when I fall short of my own expectations, if I can accept, if I can love myself when I make a mistake, then I'll be able to show up in the same way for my partner when they make a mistake. And what kind of relationship would you like to have? Would you like to have a relationship with somebody who who doesn't really love themselves, who doesn't know how to accept themselves?

19:39 Or would you rather be in a relationship with someone who really appreciates themself, who really loves themself, and who really accepts themself even when they're not perfect? Right. And obviously the answer is the second, you know, we all want to be with someone who's loving and understanding, but in order to attract that, we first need to learn how to access that in ourselves. So in order to attract an amazing partner, we have to 1st learn how to be an amazing partner with ourselves. We will only ever be able to love somebody else according to the level that we are able to.

20:23 Love ourselves. Wow, you mentioned the Kabbalah is ancient wisdom and the code for the world. Like last week I listened to a podcast, really interesting. It talked about how historically people got married for strategic reasons, that you marry the the next kingdom's Princess so you can get strategic power over the geography and you may marry someone. You're Baker, so you may marry someone who is also good at Beijing, and then you two form a great partnership. That's closer to the ancient wisdom side of the thinking than how we approach love and relationship right now.

21:06 How can we best draw from this ancient wisdom to what we're dealing with today? So I would say one of the biggest misunderstandings when it comes to love is that most people are looking to love on the outside to fill them up on the inside. We are looking for somebody else to give us something that we're lacking. Kind of like, you know, I have a bucket and my bucket is empty and or, or it's half full and I'm looking to someone else to fill up that bucket. But love comes from the ancient Hebrew word Ahava, and the root of that word is have to give.

21:49 And so This is why we have so much love for our children, because our children don't really give much back to us. I mean, later in life, the relationship we build with them can definitely be, you know, very giving. But the foundation of that relationship is all built on all of the giving that I do for my children. They, they won't survive without me. So the more I give, the more I love. And so mystically speaking, I think the the greatest tip that we can take from this ancient wisdom when it comes to love and relationships is that we need to up level how we look at love.

22:34 And if we can transform our focus in relationships from looking to the outside and looking to somebody else to give me what I want. But if we can, we can up level that and and focus our attention on who is the person to whom I feel that it's my deepest purpose to give to the most, then our relationships will completely transform. And so then I'm looking to my partner as the person that I feel I can support the most on their journey. And if I feel that like this is the person that I can give to the most.

23:21 And I'm supporting you to achieve your goals and doing whatever I can to help you become the best version of yourself. And if you're with a person for whom you feel that, yes, I really love giving to this person and I really feel like it's my deepest mission in life to support this person in becoming their most amazing self. That's how I would say the the ancient mystical wisdom is teaching us for how to approach love. Yeah, it's definitely not checking your own list when it comes to finding a partner, which is a key part in our modern day dating culture.

24:08 Absolutely. Now, like there's various dating apps out there and they typically have like similar functionality. You get a list of people who matches your requirements and then you look at them, look at their profiles. Maybe you decide to go out, meet them or just move on next one. What do you think? Our modern day dating culture Make Love and relationship fail and succeed. I would say that the enemy of something good is something better. And So what we find in the modern dating world is that just like with just like with with everything, there is this constant drive to get our attention to, to keep us on the app longer.

24:59 And so before we we dive into to using any tool, we need to ask ourself what's the consciousness that created this tool? And so when it comes to dating apps, for example, we would love it right? When we go in, we're like, oh, here's a, an app that was designed to help me find love. But is that really the consciousness that people use to create this app? Actually, the consciousness behind these apps is designed to keep us on the app longer because the more we use the app, the more memberships they'll sell, the more ads they can serve.

25:39 And so we need to learn how to be strategic and the enemy of something good is always something better. And so this constant drive to see, you know, who's next, who's better, that really gets in the way of building a fulfilling relationship. Because back in the day, you know, before when when we just lived in small towns and we didn't have access to millions of people. So our relationships were kind of limited by the people in our physical sphere. So when you met somebody you you weren't being constantly said this, this never ending, you know, source of options like you have the opportunity to focus.

26:23 Mm hmm. And I think the the biggest challenge to dating today is our inability to focus on the person that we are with and to ask ourselves the question, can I build something with this person? Can I navigate my most challenging moments with this person? And is this person somebody who I feel I can really support on their journey? And is this someone who can really support me in navigating my own journey? And I think if we can learn to use these apps just as tools to help us connect with somebody, great.

27:05 But when we meet someone to uninstall it or, or to, yeah, really to uninstall it and, and to focus on one person, I think our ability to focus is the single most powerful tool that we have in order to succeed in, in relationships. And I think that if we focus on right, it's very hard to give to one person if you're constantly being distracted by the opportunities of somebody else. And the truth is, is that we're always in a relationship with ourselves. And this constant distraction of other people keeps us from actually remembering that we are navigating getting relationship with our self and that this person who I am meeting is, is a mirror for myself.

28:01 And that's where we need to keep our focus. And if we're distracted, then I think we we lose the whole opportunity that matching with someone, you know, really provides us. So it's really the benefit of being connected to people you would have never met in your life because they're not living next door. So it's probably the exposure. Yeah, we're living in an incredible time where we all have access to so much information and that allows us this incredible opportunity to connect with people that we might not have been able to to meet in the past.

28:40 But like everything, it's a 2 sided sword. So we have to learn how to use the mind so that we don't get used by it. And it's just, it's the same when it comes to to dating and relationships. We need to learn how to use these amazing tools that we have to meet amazing people, but we need to learn how to use them and not get used by them. And so there's an opportunity now where where we can get introduced and we can meet people based on our mutual interests and where we we can meet people based on, you know, what's important to us.

29:20 But if we get pulled into kind of being always on the apps and always getting drawn in, then we are getting used by these apps rather than than using them for the for the incredible power that they really present us, I think. Yeah, like when you're, let's say you're talking to someone like you're on a date with them and but there's these other notification of new matches and you see that, oh, this person is 2 inches taller, maybe that'll be a better match. So really important to learn how to use our mind, like keep us in control.

29:55 I want to talk about physical attraction because modern day culture, not necessarily just on apps, but even in real life, physical attraction is definitely a factor when it comes to whether or not you are attracted to people or people are attracted to you. So how does that work with the personality code? Like your own wiring? So I would say that we have to understand the the rules of the game. And the first rule that we need to understand is that we are not one person. We are actually two people.

30:31 We are this infinite soul in a finite body. So a part of us, our soul is infinite and is connected to the creator and has access, right? Our unconscious has access to infinite wisdom. And then the other part of us is this physical side of us, this ego, this left brain kind of animal survival brain. And these these two kind of consciousnesses are, are battling for our attention at all times. And so on the one hand, there's chemistry, right? And chemistry is kind of like the the animal attraction that really drives so much of our connection with people.

31:18 But we have to understand that chemistry doesn't necessarily include the tools for a successful relationship. And so certainly finding somebody that you have chemistry with and have the tools to actually build a fulfilling relationship with, right? Obviously we're looking for that, for that delicate balance, but we have to learn how to question our chemistry, our attraction, because chemistry doesn't care if there's a body in your, in your trunk, right? Chemistry is only like, oh, I like that car they're driving, right?

31:59 That looks good to me. But we need to learn to question our chemistry and at the same time ask ourselves, is this person that I'm attracted to actually possess the qualities that will enable me and will enable us to build something meaningful. And I think there's a delicate balance that we, on some level, we need to learn how to, in a way, mistrust our own attraction. And the people who are good for us may not necessarily be the people that we are most attracted to. And so we need to learn how to kind of question that wiring and find our own balance for ourselves so that we can get off the train of, you know, the the never ending merry go round of unfulfilling relationships or situation ships, right?

32:59 We need to ask ourselves, what is it that I want? And it may be that the person I'm most attracted to isn't the person that is best for me. And we need to kind of take control of that that narrative, rather than allowing our chemical attraction to lead the show and to be in control of all of our decisions. Yeah, I am really glad that you pointed out as a fine balance because the same goes the other way. People marry people because of all the not physical attraction. But he has a good job or like she is all the financial stuff on paper, you know, like kind of like reading that person too resume.

33:49 So there there's also that too. So it's, I guess it is really delicate because you can, you need to be with a person who is not just on one side like you need. And, and no matter like, no matter how attracted you are to somebody, once you've been with that person and once you've been with that person for a year, it no matter how attractive the person is, after we've been with somebody for a long time, that attraction is, is going to fade. There's always going to be people who we are more attracted to, but we need to learn how to take control of that animal side of us and recognize that when when we're in an amazing relationship, the attraction is going to be less important.

34:37 Because no matter how attracted we are to someone, it's still going to wear off after after a long time. And so we kind of need to learn how to see the future and I think find someone that we are attracted to enough. But it goes back to what I said earlier, that we, we can't let this animal part of us make all of the decisions because this animal part of us, our ego is actually a very young and a very immature side of us. And, and there's a lot more than just attraction when it comes to building a a lifelong relationship.

35:21 You're not going to wake up every day thinking you are so pretty and like everyone aged to those physical appearance will never say the same. But when it comes to love, we have to remember that the more we give to somebody, the more we'll fall in love with them. So we can use attraction as the as kind of like the initial guide towards who am I really drawn to love, but not like who am I drawn to get love from? Who am I drawn to that awakens in me a desire to give to them. And, and that's why love is a choice, because attraction can guide us towards the people that we may fall in love with, but at some point we need to choose to invest in the person and we invest in the person by giving to them.

36:20 And it doesn't matter who the person is, if you make a choice. And the more you invest in them and the more you give to them, the more you will fall in love with them. It's like love is kind of like the turbo boost on your car. You know, if you've ever driven a car with a turbo is that, you know, you start going, but after you after you get the engine revving enough, you know, all of a sudden an extra boost of power pushes in. And that's kind of kind of like the power of love. It's like attraction can get our engines going, It can get the relationship moving.

36:54 But then at a certain point, we need to transition into the turbo boost and start loving the person, start giving them, start giving to them. And then the more we give to them, the more that kind of catapults the relationship into something that we've never even experienced. And that can go so much further than just the physical or the sexual attraction could ever bring us to. So you mentioned you need to invest time in the person, and you may have heard this many times too. I hear this all the time from my friends.

37:31 I don't have enough time. The clock is ticking. I don't have enough time to invest in people and just to find out they're not the right ones, I have to start over. Like, I don't know if you have had people come to you saying the same thing, like. What would you tell them? I definitely have had people come to me and and tell me that I don't have enough time for relationships. And so and it's true that the older we get, the more complicated life becomes and the less time that we have, which means that we want to learn how to be strategic in building and working towards finding a fulfilling relationship.

38:07 So how do we approach relationships strategically? Well, the first thing that I would say is that we want to be very careful when it comes to physicality because physical connection is probably the greatest drug out there on the planet. And so if we when we give ourselves over to physical romance too early, it can kind of take over how we prioritize that relationship. Whereas if we leave the physical part till later, we actually can explore, you know, something that's maybe not far more important, but definitely equally as important, which is, is this person good for me?

38:58 Can this person help me navigate the challenges in my life? And it's so hard to do. But remember, all growth is counterintuitive. So if you want to take a shortcut to filling relationships, we need to learn how to think strategically. And so if we can spend the initial moments of a new connection really exploring the person and what we have in common, and more specifically, how do we navigate the, the challenges that come up? And then once we see that there are, you know, potential building blocks for a successful relationship, you know, then we can sprinkle in and start to explore the physicality.

39:45 I, I think that that's usually what I what I suggest with my clients and it's proven itself to be a, a very efficient way to use the time that so many of us are lacking. Yeah, because if, if you approach it like a lot of us do modern day, the physical part, you probably start with the physical part and then you lose time because it will fail and then you have to do it all again. So you have to do it all again, no matter what. And then we end up looking at this person not through the lens of relationship, but rather through the lens of filling up a need.

40:30 And so, you know, from a chemical's perspective, like some of the most powerful chemicals that we produce for ourselves, you know, they, they're created through love and physical intimacy. And so we end up getting addicted to people like a drug before we actually to answer the question, is this person good for me? And so that's how we end up wasting time because most people don't have a good handle on their own, on their own chemical dependency, you know, so we're we're all feeling lonely. We're all feeling life is difficult, and physical intimacy is one of the, you know, the greatest stress relievers out there.

41:16 But. So soothing. Very, very soothing. But we have to understand that, you know, we're complicating our own journey. We're wasting our own time. Whereas if, if we can keep the focus on ourselves and, you know, learning how to soothe and comfort and, and feel all right with ourselves, then, you know, it's easier to push the physical part aside so that we can focus and really use our time wisely. But that's, that's probably, I would say the greatest obstacle that most people face today is that they're they're getting addicted to how another person makes them feel before they've discovered whether or not this is someone that they really feel aligned with on a soul level.

42:09 And that's one of the places that you can, I think, save a lot of time and a lot of energy. Yeah, I think there are people who like a match with you, but you need a partner who can keep the fire going. Like there needs to be fuel that you can add to the fire so that it keeps burning. So that's a really good segue to some rapid fire questions I want to ask you. Have you heard of Love Island, Married as First Sight and The Bachelor? 'S Oh yes. OK, which one of these is like the most unrealistic for a long lasting relationship?

42:50 I think that they're all they're all designed to keep us hooked on the story of, you know, of, of finding true love. But a lot of these, like one of the shows, maybe it's Love at first sight, one of these shows, they have a whole team of psychologists, right? And, and you kind of get the idea that they're, oh, great. So they're bringing together people who that, you know, they think are going to be good for each other. But what's actually happening behind the scenes, I think a lot of times is they're putting people together who they know aren't a good match because it creates a lot of drama, and drama creates, you know, viewers, and that creates ATV series.

43:40 And so I think all of these programs are they don't help us at all when it comes to, to fulfilling relationships. In fact, they're, they're probably a better example of exactly what doesn't work. Like here's someone that you you don't know at all. And let's throw you into this made-up story of marriage. Let's just marry someone you've never met and now go on a journey and, and see what's going to happen. It's obviously it's the opposite and it creates great drama, but I don't think it gives us any real tools to help us navigate finding a successful relationship.

44:28 But it does keep us hooked on this endless stream of, of, of emotions that these shows kind of stir up in us because, you know, they bring us through this whole journey of our own unfulfilling relationships and they make us feel things. And that's the problem is that we, we, we all want to feel love. We all want to feel connection. And so we're tuning into programs that are evoking all of these feelings that we're having. But it's our own addiction to these emotions that is keeping us away from actually building a fulfilling relationship.

45:09 Yeah, you just want to stay in that feel good period forever. But so in other words, none of them. All of them are very realistic depictions of how relationships tend to be today when when people are not, are not disciplined within themselves, don't have a healthy sense of self love it. They're all very good at keeping us hooked on looking to somebody else to feel good. And that serves the TV producers, that serves the app creators. But that doesn't serve the children that you might want to become parents to.

45:51 It doesn't serve the partner that you might want to spend the rest of your life with. Yeah. If you had the personality code when you were younger, what would you have stopped doing immediately? If I had understood that there was a system that described behavior, the one thing that I would have stopped doing from a very early age is the one thing that I think is most destructive. It's the thing that's destroying people's relationships. It's the thing that's destroying people's confidence. It's the unconscious habit of comparing ourselves to other people.

46:40 Because when I was very young, I felt like something was wrong with me. I had a lot of emotions. I didn't know how to control them. And I just, I just, I was very sensitive to energy and to people. And so I was always, you know, happy, sad. I was on this uncontrollable wave of emotions and I would end up comparing myself to other people. Why can't I be more like him? Why can't I be more like her? And what I discovered when I learned the personality code was that there are a few distinct journeys, and everybody is coming through one of these ten different energies.

47:23 Which means that instead of comparing myself to somebody else, I would have discovered that there is a unique wiring that we all have. And so you are perfect, and your imperfections are what make you perfect. It's like when the light bulb, you know, feels the electricity running through it and it says, you know, wow, I love being able to light up a room. I love these amazing conversations that I'm that are able to happen because of me. I love being a light bulb, right? That's happiness. But when the light bulb spends this whole day looking at the, the coffee maker, just wishing it could, it could brew coffee because look at how many people need coffee and look how much coffee, you know, wakes people up And Oh, I wish I could just be a coffee maker, right?

48:15 That's the definition of sadness. And that's where most people are stuck is they're stuck comparing themselves to other people rather than understanding the unique gifts that they've been given and the unique places where they get stuck and they need to grow. And so I think keeping the focus on ourselves is probably the single most powerful lesson that the personality code taught me. And it can really save you years and years of time and and endless amounts of wasted energy. Mm hmm. Yeah, like wishing something were something else.

49:01 That never really works. I don't think it ever works. It does. It always works and it always works to create pain and suffering. Yeah, OK, Next one. You are a very spiritual person. What's the most unspiritual habit of yours? The most unspiritual thing that I love to do is to wake up in the morning and jump in 0° water and sit there for three minutes listening to my favorite song and then getting up and shivering and feeling this. This feeling of aliveness that I cannot feel when I stay under the covers.

49:47 I think I saw a video. I was, I am so impressed that you were able to just talk so naturally. Yeah. OK, last one. What feature of dating apps do you think is the worst? The constant ability to swipe and see always someone something better. I was once when I soon after I was divorced, I actually joined two friends of mine on a date and I witnessed something that it, it just blew my mind. We're sitting there at the table and the the two people were across from each other. One person went to the washroom and while they're at the washroom, the other person was actually swiping on the dating app.

50:38 And I think this that the the worst feature of the dating apps is that you keep them installed when you have met somebody else. I think if you can, if, if we can delete the app. Yeah, yeah. And focus on one person. That's going to be your single greatest tool in your kit to meeting somebody amazing. Yeah, like love, relationship, Kabbalah, these are such deep topics that we're not going to tackle all of it together in one episode. Thank you very much David for coming on to mind. Glen, I'm sure a lot of us are like, oh, what's David's contact?

51:21 I'm going to talk to him. So I'll leave all your information, social handles in the show notes and listeners leave us some comments or get in touch with me and or David. Thank you, Karen, it was a pleasure to be here. Thank you for having. Me Thank you very much, David. Thanks for listening to this episode of mine one. If you enjoyed the conversation, don't forget to follow and share it with anyone who needs to hear it. And let's keep the conversation going. Connect with me on LinkedIn or leave me a comment.

51:52 Until next time, stay curious, keep exploring, and let's continue to blend our minds and discover what's possible.